Surfice Warfare Specialist

Title = What Ryan now is! He finally got something he has been working SO hard for and I am insanely proud of him for it! He has accomplished so much this deployment that I almost can't keep up! He called me today too :) He is truly amazing. Nothing less.

This is my last week at Wilsons Leather and I gotta say, it's gonna be bittersweet to leave there. I would stay here and work if Ryan was coming home here and not in VA lol. A few of my coworkers were saying how they would miss me when I left and I almost cried. This is the story of a military wife though isn't it? Seems we have to say goodbye more often then anyone else. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, I'm just saying.

So, Christmas is only 3 days away and even though I have been a Scrooge because Ryan isn't here for it, I am getting pretty excited. The further along we get in December, the further along we get in deployment. Me likey.

Where are my ruby red slippers?

Home is in your arms. "There's no place like home. there's no place like home, there's no place like home"... DANG! It failed to work. Lucky Dorothy... Anyway, I suppose I am doing a bit better. Still been quite the Scrooge sayin bah humbug all through the holiday season. It has yet to stop me from shopping til I drop for presents and getting excited that Christmas is right around the corner. Yet, I feel this emptiness that I just can't shake.

My friends have been having homecomings a lot lately. As I look at their statuses, I feel a sense of loss. We used to be in the same boat and now they all have their men back. It makes me feel a little less connected to them though our friendship hasn't changed one bit, just a new person has been added into the equation. Have any of you had this happen? Do you know what I mean? I just want to know if I am an oddball or if others have felt this way. On top of that, I am experiencing a very unchristian like feeling: JEALOUSY. A sin I can't seem to shake either.

I keep thinking about how many of my close friends are going to say "see you later" to their Sailors before Ryan comes home and I almost feel bad for the fact that I will have Ryans homecoming the very next month. Does it make ANY sense that I feel BAD that I am going to be SO happy when most of my close friends are missing their men? I don't know. I guess it's just the fact that I know how it feels to be missing my husband terribly while watching others welcome theirs home.

I feel like a jerk for being sad when my friends are rejoicing after suffering through a deployment but I just can't help but feel this way. On the plus side, December is coming to an end. Though I won't be able to celebrate the new year with Ryan, it'll be such a short time until he returns and I will begin to totally count the days down. I can't wait. I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life.

All I want for Christmas is you

They play this song over and over again at the place I work and it depresses me more and more each time I have to hear it. It's called "All I Want For Christmas" by Joss Stone. The chorus goes "all I want for Christmas is you. Nothing old, nothing new, borrowed or blue. I'm afraid nothing else will ever do. All I want for Christmas is you" and it is pathetically depressing. Of all places I have to get depressed, it's at work, where if I want to cry I can't. Well I could but I wouldn't.

I have been doing pretty good with deployment but the truth is, the holidays have me mega depressed. On top of that, the day after Christmas is our 1 year anniversary and he will miss that too. It's just... depressing. The whole thing. Don't get me wrong, we have come SO far in deployment that really, it's ALMOST over. We are at the point, however, where we are SO close to being done but at the same time it is still too far away to start a countdown. Somehow I have managed to start anticipating homecoming already. I have a feeling it is going to drive me absolutely insane by the time he actually gets home.

LOL

This really cracks me up! Don't know why but it totally does haha. Enjoy!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

I wish it could snow without being so darn cold, though I do love the snow so I believe the cold makes the site worth while. Being in Indiana has made this past almost month fly by. It's crazy.

I had myself a bit of a breakdown the other night. It was pretty rough. One of those days that just seem to happen during deployment I suppose. I cried really hard like I did when Ryan first left. It was quite terrible but I am much better now.

We have made it so far already in this deployment and soon enough I will be anticipating Ryans safe return home. Today he got his 2nd class crows. I couldn't even begin to explain how proud I am of that man. I just hate that I had to miss it. He is reenlisting for 4 years next month and I will be missing that too. Boo deployment, boo.

Basketball and Coffee

I gotta say, after going over a week without coffee, it feels (and tastes!) pretty darn good to be drinking a cup right now. Oh, no cal sweetener and hazelnut creamer, you have brought me so much joy today!!

In about ten minutes I will be heading to my nieces basketball game and I must say, I'm a pretty excited and proud aunt! The 2 of them are playing for the same team I played for when I was in elementary school and I can't wait to see them in action. I want to catch as many of their games as possible while I am here.

Christmas is just around the corner and I have only shopped in my head. I have yet to actually buy anything, just have ideas as to WHAT to buy for WHO. One thing you must know about me is, I am a procrastinator. I procrastinate like it is my job. I have been and quite possibly always will be a procrastinator. The hubby is as well but I don't think he is quite as bad as me. I bought myself a couple Christmas presents yesterday lol. How selfish... Good thing we get paid tomorrow cuz that means I can get at least 2 or 3 people out of the way. I have 12 nieces and nephews to buy for. That is going to tear a pretty giant hole in the pocket book :\
Other then the 12 nieces and nephews I don't have much of a problem. I have the in-laws, my parents and the person I got in the drawing. We have been doing the drawing for a longgggggg time because we have such a big family so the adults draw to see what adult they buy for and so do the kids. The adults are still stuck buying for all them kids though lol. Bah humbug.

Staying up until 3 AM

It used to just happen. Since I have been in Indiana with the family, not so much. Tonight, I have the task of forcing myself to stay awake until 3 because I don't want to miss taking a dose of my antibiotics and I am no longer on the Vicodin mostly because I ran out lol, so I am sleeping through the night and NOTHING wakes me up. How dare I even THINK my alarm would wake me up in the middle of the night last night so I could take it?

Things have been much better with the infection though. I no longer look like A whoo from Whooville. I just look like I have a mild case of chipmunkitus lol. I just can't wait for the infection to be totally gone and be rid of this burden.

Some thingS to be thankful for...

First and foremost, my hubby made rank! Congratulations my wonderful 2 class! I am insanely proud of him! Though they will probably pin him while they are on deployment so not only will I miss his reenlistment ceremony, I will also miss that. Bah humbug.

Today (and always) I am extremely thankful for my family. My sister Shelley, my dad and my mom have really come through for me the past couple of days as I have had THE WORST toothache I can ever remember having. My mom called the dentist today to see if they could call in a prescription for me as I have a terrible infection in my tooth. It feels as though there are TWO absesses. All of the offices are closed until Monday for the Turkey Day weekend so I wasn't able to get in to actually get work done so the nurse called in an antibiotic and Vicodin for me. THANK YOU! Lol.

Andddddd that's all I got right now. Typing just isn't on my list of things to do right now. It's a very short list: Eat (possibly), drug myself and sleep. The pain is unbearable.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Coming to you live...

From my LAPTOP. Thank the lord, it came today!

Goodness, ya'll don't even know what is going on in my life right now! I got to Indiana last Wednesday to spend the holidays with my family. I went into the place I worked at before I moved to Virginia and they offered me a seasonal part time job. I agreed to the job but really didn' think I was rehireable so I filled the ap out and shrugged my shoulders. I didn't quit on good terms. I didn't put my 2 weeks in so what were the odds that they would rehire me? Well, they called me today in the middle of my booking the venue for the big wedding/reception and I called them back and was asked to come into work today! I about pooped myself lol. This job is going to be awesome for me. Not only will it give me something to do with my time other then sitting around watching the hours as they pass by, but it will also give me extra Christmas money and I am SO thankful right now words cannot possibly express.

Ryan and I are doing great, of course. I have been doing pretty good if I don't say so myself. Of course I complain on occasion but what wife in her right mind WOULDN'T complain having to be away from her husband for so long?

On a sad note, I have something wrong with my wrist and I am going to have to call my PCM tomorrow to see about seeing a Dr here in Indiana. I haven't even been to my PCM yet lol. Here's hoping he can refer me to someone here so Tricare will cover it because I can't take the pain in my wrist for much longer. A few people including myself think it may be tendenitus. Talk about lame.

That's me in a nutshell as of late. Still remaining positive while missing Ryan but soon enough I won't have to miss him anymore and I just can't wait!

As a military wife

*start rant* I feel as though it doesn't matter how long you have been with someone or married to someone in the military. When our men are gone we all miss them just the same. I feel like I have EVERY RIGHT to complain and say that I miss my husband and if anyone dares to tell me differently, I will kindly remove them from my life. I recently ran into a civilian "friend" who basically said I have no right to miss my husband because we haven't even been married a year yet. Really? What the HELL would you know about missing your husband? I am pretty sure the only time she has been away from her husband was for MAYBE a week and it was by choice. After she sent me this nasty message on facebook, she blocked me so I couldn't respond to her even if I wanted to. I just think that "friends" should be there for their friends when they are in need rather then critisizing them for being sad because they haven't even SEEN their husband in 3 months. *end rant*

Thanks for listening to my vent for the day lol.

Dear walmart.com and/or FedEx

Enough is stinking enough! How is it that my husband ordered my laptop from you October 29th and I have yet to get it?! Walmart.com rep, we appreciate the fact that we will be getting a refund if I don't get my laptop today HOWEVER, that isn't what we wanted. We wanted me to get the laptop hence why it was ordered in the first place. I have pretty much had it up to here with the waiting game.

Sincerely,
Brittany

One for the Military Wives

First of all, I LOVE this song and have for quite some time. If you haven't heard it, grab a tissue and listen to it RIGHT. NOW. :)



1.) If she wasn’t emotional before, that is all about to change.

2.) You getting a higher rank could just mean an automatic free lay.

3.) Get her a pair of dog tags, ASAP. This is crucial, she will never take them off. (I have worn mine since Ryan left lol)

4.) Most of the time, you losing reception during training is your fault. (Though, she will eventually understand)

5.) Most of the time, everything is your fault. (This especially goes for when she is pregnant)

6.) She WILL start talking like your guys and you talk, including using your last names.

7.) Her patriotism could out-do most of your men… she will be proud… VERY proud.

8.) Be ready: your car will end up with a yellow ribbon magnet of an “I LOVE MY SAILOR” sticker eventually. (If you have seperate cars, hers will DEFINITELY have these)

9.) She will most likely need a pair of dog tags to hang from the car’s rear view mirror. (see 3)

10.) Every week she’ll have “another song” that makes her think of you when you’re away. (And she’ll cry to it, even when you’re in the same room)

11.) If you’re married, she may know the base better than you do… don’t take it personal.

12.) You will catch her comparing your relationship with “other couples” in the military constantly.

13.) She’ll make 5 million friends online, and talk to you about them all the time because her “old friends just don’t understand” like they do.

14.) Don’t be shocked when she just drops civilian chicks out of her life like flies. (She mostly does this when they complain to her)

15.) DO NOT if you love her, say anything about you not wanting to make her wait for you… (TRUST me men, YOU ARE WORTH every breath to these women, or they wouldn’t be here)

16.) Most women actually do LOVE it when you are sweaty and dirty, even the girlie girls. It’s sexy as hell!

17.) Only bring up the field once, say it clear, and don’t bring it up again. We will remember the time, the dates like stone inside our mind. Don’t remind us.

18.) You ARE our hero. That isn’t us being cute, it’s us swelling with pride, feeling like a princess every time we glance over and you’re standing there.

19.) Don’t worry about waking her up when you get a chance to call, trust me, she’s NOT sleeping. If she is, she’s been waiting for you to call all night and she fell asleep next to the phone.

20.) Leave at least 3 of your shirts for her…she’ll wear them all the time and if she doesn’t wear them out she WILL wear them to sleep.

21.) No matter what she was like before, she is tougher & harder than a rock now. She can handle anything, she will get through it, tears or no tears.

22.) Don’t be discouraged or taken back from her strength. It comes with territory. When in your arms, she’s still your princess, soft & sweet.

23.) Your kids might see mommy as the one in charge for a while, it’s okay, they WILL respect you, just give it time.

24.) EVERYTHING in her life will be complicated, so she might not always get the simple things you say to her.

25.) Tag Chasers are her WORST enemy, she CAN and WILL spot these girls… random profain comments may come out of her mouth… its okay, she’s protecting her best asset…you!

26.) She will spend hours to look good on cam & in pics for you.

27.) Her favorite sentences from you start with “when I get home” or “when I get out”. Lastly guys,

28.) No matter how much she’s changed, never forget that you mean the world to her, she loves you more than anything and you will ALWAYS be her hero…whether you think you are one or not.

Woah!!! Virginia DRAMA! Plus some big smiles...

I never went to public high school but I am feeling like I may be getting a taste of what it was like via military wives here. I have decided to take a break from this place for a while. Thanks goodness I have the chance to do that.

Anywayyyyy, I got a wonderful 1 hour long phone call today. Hearing his voice is just the best thing ever! It was great to make him laugh and him do the same to me in return. Also found out that he decided to not reenlist for more then 4 years. What. An. Emotional. ROLLERCOASTER! As if deployment wasn't enough of one lol. Either way, I told him I would be behind him no matter what he decided but for now, it's 4 years. We'll see what happens in the next few months cause Lord knows he could change his mind again.

I think I am going to have huge bags/dark circles under my eyes and a full head of gray hair by the time he gets home. I feel tired all the time and have spotted more gray hairs since he left then I ever have before. Not that there are a ton of them, but there are more then 5. Well, there WERE. You better believe I plucked them bad boys out! I am only in my mid 20's and we don't have kids! There is NO reason for me to have gray hairs right now lol.

Mr Sailor... husband man

To me, he isn't the Sailor in the uniform trying to advance in his career. To me, he is the most wonderful, caring, sweet, amazing, knock-me-right-off-my-feet human being to ever grace the planet. To me, he is the world. I didn't marry Mr. Sailor because I like the uniform. I married him because of the man UNDER that uniform.

I hate that some people on his ship can't see him for the person he is. All they see is a Sailor. A Sailor that they would much rather turn into a robot so he can do and say everything they want him to. A Sailor that is working his butt off to be what they want him to be. That Sailor has lost his smile and it breaks my heart.

I hate when he is hurting while he is gone. I don't know what to do to make him feel better. All I have is my words and sometimes words just aren't enough. Sometimes you need the comforting hug and to just BE with the person that makes everything right in the world. Trust me, I have been there a few times since he's been gone.

I can't wait for Sailor man to come back and be husband man again.

Dear Deployment,

Stop the emotional rollercoaster! I want off!!!

Yikes have I been one crazy lady lately! Today I went from laughing, to sad that my husband is gone, to depressed about my weight, to just plain tired. I'm starting to wonder if I wont be clinically depressed by the time the hubby returns home. Terrible to think about but not uncommon I'm sure.

Okay, on to further explain the topics of bi-polarness...

Hubby: Well, I am sad about him being gone for obvious reasons. Duh. He's GONE so yeah... That doesn't fully describe why hubby being gone is bothering me so much today. Yesterday hubby started talking to me about reenlisting for 5 or 6 more years. UGH UGH UGH. I KNOW that him reenlisting is a GREAT idea, I KNOW but it doesn't keep that voice in the back of my head from screaming and crying "NO NO NO PLEASE DON'T DO IT! I MISS YOU SOO MUCH! I HATE WHEN YOU'RE GONE! I JUST WANT TO BE CIVILIANS!" At the same time I had already thought about it even before he mentioned it to me. I want a good life for our child (when we have one) and the Navy could give him/her that. On the negative side, it would be a lot of time without daddy. I have thought about if I can even live a normal life again after this. I have thought about the fact that if he reenlists for 5 or 6 more years that it doesn't make ANY sense for him to NOT retire from the Navy. Psh, by that time we will have lived our entire relationship with him in the Navy so why the heck not just do it til we are 40 and still get the benefits? The negative? Him being gone. Gone gone gone. Hurry up and wait. Dear Deployment, I HATE YOU. Blah...

Okay on to the other depressing topic at hand, my. WEIGHT. Something has got to give. I don't even know where to start here. From when I was 14 til 22 I didn't weigh over 125. 125 is a number I don't even remember seeing on the scale by now. It's sickening. I remember getting to 140 and thinking I was the biggest blob on the planet. Now, 20 lbs later, I am stuck. Just plain stuck. Being depressed about it doesn't help my case bcause as all of us women know, stress makes us fatter. We suck. We know that (plus having periods and going through labor) is what we got in return for Eve taking a bite of that apple. I got a finger for ya Eve. Anyway, I am going to start a VERY SERIOUS diet Saturday and going to kill myself working out until I get to where I want to be. I want to be back at 140 or 145. I looked AMAZING at 140. I am ready to be back there.

AHH! I realize I don't write often anymore and now that I did write, it was nothing but a bunch of whining. Yeah, sorry about that, but, I felt the urge. Anyway, other then all that, things have been pretty decent. I can't complain any more then I just did but at least both things I complained about will be all better in the next few months :) I think I am going to start a new page on the blog for just my weight loss. If I have people checking on me to make sure I am keeping it up, it'll motivate me more to keep it up.

Later gators! 

Where have I been?!

It's been a minute since I last wrote! It seems like soo much has happened in the past couple of weeks when really nothing has changed. Well, I got my nails done and got my hair CUT yesterday. If you KNOW me you know that I DO NOT GET MY HAIR CUT... ever! I got 5 inches taken off and got a bunch of layers. It looks really good and I will be sure to post pictures later. Guess what? I smoked my last cig today! No more smoking for the husband and I! We are taking the plunge and joining you non-smokers! So, it's gonna be weird when he comes back because when he left we were both smokers. It'll be good though :) I really hate that it's getting cold outside because, well, it's cold outside lol. The only reason I DO want it to be cold is because that means we are closer to homecoming and that is something I just can't wait for!

Faith Deployed

I know I haven't started the first giveaway yet but I am going to soon! I have a great gift for the next giveaway if the first one goes well. It's gonna be Faith Deployed by Jocelyn Green and I'm sure you will LOVE it! I have a copy of my own too :)

The Frugal Navy Wife rocks!

She is having a FANTASTIC giveaway! You really should go check her out and enter in! If you start following her let her know that Brittany Sommer sent you in a comment! So go follow The Frugal Navy Wife :)

G-I-V-E-A-W-A-Y!!!

I reached my 100 followers goal for the first giveaway hast night! Hooray! So I am going to start small with the giveaways. I am working on what I want the giveaway contest to be so just bear with me! I am going to start with the picture frame. It's not real big but it is SO cute. For those of us who's men are in the Navy, work with water or just LOVE lighthouses/beach scenes, you will love it! I personally love it too :) Here it is!

Be on the lookout in the next few days because once I figure out what the contest will be I will post it up!

Who wants me to host a giveaway?!

I really REALLY want to have one when I hit 100 followers but I want to get some kind of response now! So, let me know if you would enter! I have a brand new journal, an adorable picture frame and a purse to give! I just need people to give them to!

Have you ever thought to yourself..

I am a REALLY strong woman! Being able to go through a deployment and being a part of the "Homefront Club" is a pretty tough job but someone's gotta do it right?! We as military spouses don't often give ourselves the credit we so deserve. We spend countless hours moping around, questioning why we are doing this to ourselves and (some of us) going day to day as if a black cloud is just hanging over our heads constantly. I can say that I, myself, have been through MANY ups and downs during this deployment already and he hasn't even been gone for 2 months yet. Sometimes I scold myself for being so selfish. I would think about how much I miss him and how much this hurts me far more often then I would think about what it is doing to him. I have since gotten past all that. I have come to the realization that it hurts both of us in different ways, on different days and in different hours.

Anyway, I'm not sure what inspired me to write today. It just kind of came over me like a wave and if anyone knows anything about writing, you know when that wave comes over you, you just HAVE TO write. Slowly but surely I am becoming the woman I want to be for me and for my husband. He called me yesterday and called me "his motivated baby" because I have a lot of things that I am working on doing while he's gone and started working out on a regular basis and I said "I am doing all this so you will be as proud of me as I am of you" and he said "I am already proud of you". Maybe he is, but I bet he could be MORE proud of me and I am out to prove that!

Chicken Soup for the Military Wifes Soul

It was just another harried Wednesday afternoon trip to the commissary (grocery store on military bases). My husband was off teaching young men to fly. My daughters were going about their daily activities knowing I would return to them at the appointed time, bearing, among other things, their favorite fruit snacks, frozen pizza, and all the little extras that never had to be written down on a grocery list. My grocery list, by the way, was in my 16-month-old daughter's mouth, and I was lamenting the fact that the next four aisles of needed items would wait while extracting the last of my list from my daughter's mouth, when I nearly ran over an old man.



This man clearly had no appreciation for the fact that I had 45 minutes left to finish the grocery shopping, pick up my 4-year old from tumbling class, and get to school, where my 12-year-old and her carpool mates would be waiting.


I knew men didn't belong in a commissary, and this old guy was no exception. He stood in front of the soap selection staring blankly, as if he'd never had to choose a bar of soap in his life. I was ready to bark an order at him when I realized there was a tear on his face.


Instantly, this grocery aisle roadblock transformed into a human..."Can I help you find something?" I asked. He hesitated, and then told me he was looking for soap.


"Any one in particular?" I continued.


"Well, I'm trying to find my wife's brand of soap." I started to loan him my cell phone to call her when he said, "She died a year ago, and I just want to smell her again."


Chills ran down my spine. I don't think the 22,000-pound Mother of all Bombs could have had the same impact. As tears welled up in my eyes, my half-eaten grocery list didn't seem so important. Neither did fruit snacks or frozen pizza.


I spent the remainder of my time in the commissary that day listening to a man tell the story of how important his wife was to him -- how she took care of their children while he served our country. A retired, decorated World War II pilot who flew missions to protect Americans still needed the protection of a woman who served him at home.


My life was forever changed that day. Every time my husband works too late or leaves before the crack of dawn, I try to remember the sense of importance I felt that day in the commissary.


Some times the monotony of laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping, and taxi driving leaves military wives feeling empty -- the kind of emptiness that is rarely fulfilled when our husbands come home and don't want to or can't talk about work.


We need to be reminded, at times; of the important role we fill for our family and for our country. Over the years, I've talked a lot about military spouses...how special they are and the price they pay for freedom too. The funny thing is; most military spouses don't consider themselves different from other spouses. They do what they have to do, bound together not by blood or merely friendship, but with a shared spirit whose origin is in the very essence of what love truly is. Is there truly a difference? I think there is. You have to decide for yourself...


Other spouses get married and look forward to building equity in a home and putting down family roots. Military spouses get married and know they'll live in base housing or rent, and their roots must be short so they can be transplanted frequently.


Other spouses decorate a home with flair and personality that will last a lifetime. Military spouses decorate a home with flare tempered with the knowledge that no two base houses have the same size windows or same size rooms.


Curtains have to be flexible and multiple sets are a plus. Furniture must fit like puzzle pieces.


Other spouses have living rooms that are immaculate and seldom used. Military spouses have immaculate living room/dining room combos. The coffee table got a scratch or two moving from Germany, but it still looks pretty good.


Other spouses say goodbye to their spouse for a business trip and know they won't see them for a week. They are lonely, but can survive. Military spouses say good-bye to their deploying spouse and know they won't see them for months, or a year, or longer. They are lonely, but will survive.


Other spouses, when a washer hose blows off, call Maytag and then write a check out for having the hose reconnected. Military spouses have to cut the water off and fix it themselves.


Other spouses get used to saying "hello" to friends they see all the time. Military spouses get used to saying "goodbye" to friends made the last two years.


Other spouses worry about whether their child will be class president next year. Military spouses worry about whether their child will be accepted in yet another school next year and whether that school will be the worst in the city...again.


Other spouses can count on spouse participation in special events...birthdays, anniversaries, concerts, football games, graduation, and even the birth of a child. Military spouses only count on each other; because they realize that the flag has to come first if freedom is to survive. It has to be that way.


Other spouses put up yellow ribbons when the troops are imperiled across the globe and take them down when the troops come home. Military spouses wear yellow ribbons around their hearts and they never go away.


Other spouses worry about being late for mom's Thanksgiving dinner. Military spouses worry about getting back from Japan in time for dad's funeral.


The television program showing an elderly lady putting a card down in front of a long, black wall that has names on it touches other spouses. The card simply says, "Happy Birthday, Sweetheart. You would have been sixty today." A military spouse is the lady with the card, and the wall is the Vietnam Memorial.


I would NEVER say military spouses are better than other spouses. But I will say there is a difference. I will say, without hesitation, that military spouses pay just as high a price for freedom as do their active duty husbands and wives.


Perhaps the price they pay is even higher. Dying in service to our country isn't near as hard as loving someone who has died in service to our country, and having to live without them.


God bless our military spouses for all they freely give.

By the way! Mili Mondays!

I have been soo busy doing nothing (lol) that I forgot to tell you guys that I was featured on Mili Mondays over at Life as a Sailor's Girl last Monday! It was really exciting for me! Click the link and check the blog out. For the lazy people, here's my post! :)

"True Life: I am a newlywed with a deployed husband"

As I sit here trying to figure out what to write, all I can think of is that silly show on MTV, True Life: (Insert life changing experience here). What was MY life changing experience? I married my husband 2 weeks before he deployed. We have our little fairy tale. He was my best friend for 2 years before he so cutely asked me if I would "go steady", we dated for 5 months before he popped the question and we became husband and wife at the end of July. He has been gone for a little over a month now and I miss him terribly every day. It has gotten a lot less rough though. Being newly weds while he is on deployment is... hard. I was left responsible for things I never had to be responsible for before. Between making sure bills are paid, cleaning the whole apartment by myself, trying to stay busy constantly, and sleeping alone, all the while missing him, wishing things were easier and YEARNING for his touch, it gets pretty tough at times. I could ramble on and on about how much I miss him but I am sure most of you already know how that feels.




Having said that, let me get down to the point of my blog. What is it like to be newly weds going through our very first deployment together? It's rough. I don't know how else to explain it. I have cried almost every day since he left. I know all deployments are rough whether newly weds or not but we aren't even out of our oh-so-in-love honeymoon stage yet. Not even close. I don't think what we are going through is any harder then any other deployment anyone else is going through, I just know how hard it is for me. How has is affected our relationship? Not much at all other then the seperation and him being awake while I am asleep due to the massive time change. We are still head over heels in love and we email eachother every single day. We constantly put the "I love you!" reminder in each of those emails. Communication is VERY important just in case some of you haven't gone through the seperation yet. Make friends, get hobbies and keep yourself busy and time is sure to fly! Speaking of time flying, if possible, visit your family. It really helps. I went to Indiana to visit my family for a few weeks and it helped me far more then I expected it to.



A few helpful hints and I promise I am done! 1: I know that time can be hard but you MUST stay focused on the positive future rather then linger in the negative present. 2: If you are a God fearing woman such as myself, KEEP ON PRAYING! Last one, I swear! 3: Surround yourself with positives. Positive people, a positive outlook and positive things are sure to keep your attitude positive!

Love this! Military wives rules to live by:

1. Don't count on anything!







2.Be careful who you listen to. Most of your civilian friends will give you negative remarks, which will make things harder for you to deal with.





3. When he becomes stubborn and a royal pain in the butt, just remind yourself he's probably had a bad day, and being away from you is hard on him too. So just let him rant and don’t take it personal.





4. When you’re down, treat yourself.





5. Learn how to listen if you don’t know how! He will need you, you will be the one he comes to when he needs to complain, but don’t complain back...that is what military wives/fiances/gf's for! This is a hard time for our men and they NEED us much more than sometimes they think they do!





6. Love your military member, be truthful, and reassure him, even if he is deployed he'll have someone to come back too!





7. He will try to pull away at some point. Whether directly telling you to move on, not wait for him or just becoming distant. It's a way they try of dealing, stick with him cause he really does want (and need) you there.





8. When he is away for a long time, or even just a couple hours away, write a lot of letters! Communication is key to a relationship.





9.SOME of his friends will probably be morons - expect this.





10. You aren’t the only woman in his life (his mom misses and loves him too!) so make sure she is updated on what is going on with him.





11. He needs to feel important so don't hold back on the compliments - remind him how proud you are of what he does.





12. Chances are they won't call when they say they will (that especially applies for deployed!).





13. Don't buy that nonrefundable airplane ticket too early.





14. When eating with a military member you either finish your "chow" in 15 minutes or less or be stared at until you are finished.





15. Never take one single minute with them for granted. Live each day with them like it’s the last one you'll have for a while, because with the military, it just might be!





16. Take lots of pictures, so you can remember what each other looks like!





17. Don't even TRY to compare your military member to ordinary men. You can no longer complain about broken plans, that phone call you were supposed to get but didn't, missed birthdays and anniversaries, his snoring (hey, at least he's sleeping BESIDE you), spending more time with "the boys" than you, etc., etc., etc...





18. Always look on the bright side of things. How many of your gal-pals get their first encounter, first date, first kiss from their men over and over again?





19. Gotta be able to keep up with your man. We give our military man a whole new meaning of PT =)





20. Even if he says he will, he probably won't. Maybe really means probably not OR probably not when he said he would (example: "I might be able to call you tomorrow" but he can't find the time to call until a week later or "I might be able to come home next month for a week"...that might turn into 2 weeks)





21. Being a military girlfriend/fiancé can be one of the toughest jobs. You have to deal with stress similar as the wives, without the promise of forever or the benefits and support they get.





22. We find ourselves using military lingo. "I'm gonna go get my room squared away", "It's chow time", or using military time





23. Patience is the biggest key to making the relationship work...you have to wait a lot but in the end, waiting is what made it all worthwhile♥

My AH-HA! moment:

Well, as I was sitting outside, just getting off the phone with my mother in-law, a song burst into my head like I had never heard the song before and it started to make sense. The "song", "Why Can't I" by Liz Phair doesn't at all refer to anything BUT the chorus. I used to make fun of this song. "Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?", well I would say "Get the d*ck out of your mouth!" and I would laugh. I constantly made fun of the emotions this woman was "feeling" for this "wonderful" man and now I realize, hence the "AH-HA" that I, too, feel these emotions for a man. The whole chorus goes, "Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you? It's inevitable. It's the fact that we're gonna get down to it so tell me, why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?" and, well, I kind of know what that feels like. It's been almost 2 months since I married the-man-of-my-dreams and to this day I STILL can't believe how lucky I am. Yeah, so what if he isn't here? So what if we don't get to spend NEARLY enough time together? It's the simple fact that we are exactly what we want and that is more then enough for us :)

Now, I have a completely new subject matter that needs tending to. I kind of had 2 AH-HA moments today. I realized earlier that my husbands world does not revolve around me. It revolves around, well, the world. I have been finding myself getting mad or sad every time I see that he had been on facebook or anything else and he didn't email me. I boohoo it up for a while then I put my big girl panties on and "deal with it". Now, don't get me wrong. I am not going to be able to cut these bitter feelings off right away but in due time I will stop being such a baby. I expect a lot more then I will ever get. It doesn't mean my husband doesn't love me. It just means he needed that time for something else. Heck, maybe he emailed his mom while he was on facebook that one time, who knows. I just know I need to quit being so selfish!

Finally, 4 more followers and I am going to be hosting a give away! Ever since I started my blog over a year ago I have DREAMED about being fortunate enough to be able to have a give away and "give away" something to someone totally awesome :) SO keep on the look out for said give away cuz as soon as I hit the big 1-0-0 it will be SO on!

Marriage survey!

Found this on a fellow bloggers blog and can't help but do it! It's the first marriage survey I have done so it excited me!


1. When is your "engagement" anniversary?
We got engaged on May 30th, 2010 <3
2. When is your "marriage" anniversary?
July 30th, 2010 :)
3. How long have you known your spouse?
We were best friends for 2 years before we became a couple. At this point we have known eachother for about 3 years.
4. How long did you date before you were engaged?
5 months
5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time?
My best friends apartment back in Indiana.
6. What is your spouses full name?
Gonna pass on this one.
7. Do you have any children?
Nope, not yet at least.
8. How many? Boys/Girls
N/A
9. Do you have any house pets?
Unfortunately not. We would love a dog though!
10. Do you own a house or rent?
Rent an apartment.
11. Do you live in the country/town/city?
City :)
12. What is one of your favorite activites to do together?
Watching our shows, driving while blaring music and singing along and basically just being together :)
13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot?
Not as of yet. Our honeymoon just might change that though :)
14. When did you first kiss?
December 23rd, 2009 <3
15. What church do you attend?
We don't. I would like us to though.
16. Is this the church you were married in?
We weren't married in a church.
17. What town is current adress at?
Pass!
18. Do you work or stay home?
Both, I work when I get someone that wants me to babysit. I also do other odd jobs but for the most part I stay home.
19. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
We haven't yet. After the big ceremony we plan to go to the Florida Keys :)
20. What was the funniest gift you gave while dating?
Our sense of humor? Lol I can't think of any funny gifts. Don't believe we gave eachother any.
21. How long have you been together?
Well, we lived together before when we were just friends for 7 months and since we became a couple we have lived together for almost 9 months.
22. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
About 2 years.
23. Who asked who out?
He asked me if I would "go steady" with him. Lol. Cutest. Thing. EVER.
24. How old are each of you?
We are both 25.
25. Where do each of you go to school?
We don't.
26. Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?
Deployment. Hands down. Period. The end.
27. Did you go to the same school?
No.
28. Are you from the same town?
No, he is from a town about 30 minutes from my home town.
29. Who is smarter?
We are both smart in different things. He knows things I don't know and I know things he doesn't know though if you ask him, I am smarter then him. He's crazy.
30. Who is more sensative?
I'd say we are pretty equally sensitive.
31. Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Hmmmmmm... I really don't know. We tend to eat in a lot.
32. Where is the farthest you two have traveled as a couple?
Indiana.
33. Who has the craziest exes?
Me, for sure. Lol.
34. Who has the worse temper?
I'd say him. I don't have much of a temper at all.
35. Who does the cooking?
While he's here, he does. He loves to cook. I need my cook back!!!
36. Who is more social?
Oh lord, probably me.
37. Who is the neat-freak?
Niether of us though I may be a bit of a neat-freak by the time he gets back.
38. Who is more stubborn?
I'd say we are equally stubborn.
39. Who hogs the bed?
Niether of us hog the BED but we don't share covers because he is a blanket hog. :(
40. Who wakes up earlier?
Him.
41. Where was your first date?
Lol that is very open for discussion.
42. Who had more boyfriends/girlfriends?
Me.
43. Do you get flowers often?
I do! He's awesome :)
44. How do you spend the holidays?
However the military allows us to.
45. Who is more jealous?
I don't think either of us are very jealous and he hasn't ever really acted jealous so based on my feelings sometimes I am going to say me.
46. How long did it take to get serious?
Well, it was pretty stinking serious to me from day one but I think it got REAL serious after about 2 1/2 months when we finally said "I love you" to eachother.
47. Who eats more?
Him for sure.
48. Who does the laundry?
We both do.
49. Who is better with the computer?
I'd say we are pretty equal there.
50. Leave a piece of advice for other couples.
Gotta agree with the last person that posted this. Love this song for sure :)

"Be a best friend, Tell the truth
Overuse I love you
Go to work, do your best
Don't outsmart your common sense
Never let your praying knees get lazy,
And love like crazy."

It has officially been too long and shhhh a GIVEAWAY!!!

It has been WAYYY too long since I last blogged. I just haven't been able to come up with the words lately. Nothing much has changed since I last blogged except for well... my age! My birthday was last Tuesday :) It was pretty bittersweet. I tried to pretend like it was just "another day" because I was totally bummed that Ryan wasn't here for it. I did get a surprise phone call and these gorgeous flowers though!

The day came and went then that night my lovely friend April took me to dinner at Chilis and another darling friend, Morgan joined us. Woohoo, I am officially 25 and 6 days... Bah humbug.

Anyway, I also got a gift in the mail from Ryans cousin and it made so so happy I almost died lol. I had been wanting Faith Deployed for quite some time and I mentioned it to her and she ordered it for me :) I am soo grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.

I ordered a bunch of book for free from Military One-Source and I got them the day before my birthday. I was soo excited! I was like a little kid at Christmas when I opened that box! Here are all the things I got from them:

Other then that things have been going pretty good. I hear from Ryan every day whether it is just an "I love you!" email, a text email or a regular email. I still miss him like crazy but guess what? We are 18% down! I am super stoked!

Last but not least! I decided I am going to do a giveaway when I reach 100 followers! So tell your friends all about me and lets get me there! Only need 7 more people :)

P.s. Go check me out! I just guest blogged for Mili Mondays with Mrs. Gambizzle :) The post is up! I would love to know what everyone thinks!



A day like this:

It makes me think about why Ryan does what he does. I try to not be selfish but sometimes my emotions get the better of me. 9 years ago on this day, terrorists attacked and killed thousands of Americans. It's hard to believe that it has been 9 years already. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was watching in horror as the second plane hit and the towers went down. I couldn't believe what I was watching. I cried. I was scared. I mourned for those that lost their lives and I prayed. I don't want to feel that way today so I will NOT cry. I will NOT be scared. I will NOT mourn. I am going to make today a great day to honor those that lost their lives that day, have lost their lives in the war it caused and are still fighting for the freedom we all have today. Here's to you baby! Hooyah!

Deployment Day x: Labor [Day] pains

Today Ryan left the last port they are going to be in the safer area of the big D. Now it's on to the scary part. The part where I worry about him more. The place he is going. It makes me sick. Mentally and physically. I know I need to quit worrying about this stuff. I know he is more likely to get killed or injured in a car accident on the way to work, but that doesn't change the fact that he's out there in that big scary ocean, going into "those" waters.It's not going to make me worry any less about him.

Another thing I got going on is, I am SICK TO DEATH of hearing people complain about such petty things to ME. Why are you whining about something so easily fixed to me when you KNOW I have far worse problems right now? You whine that your husband doesn't pay enough attention to you when at least your husband is HERE. There have been plenty of other examples since I got to Indiana and none of them involve any Navy wives or anything so please don't think I am talking about you ladies. We are in the same boat here, no pun intended lol.

Other then that, I have just been missing my Sailor man. I really wanted to get that phone call from him today but it just didn't happen and I am dealing with it. He did send me 2 emails today so at least I got that. I can complain, I'm just trying real hard not to.

I hope everyone has a safe and great Labor Day!

Deployment Day x: X weeks down already?

What just happened? It feels like he just left yesterday yet it has already been WEEKS. I can't say how many but just the fact that the word "week" is plural brings a crap ton of joy to my heart. Said heart has been mended with a band-aid for the time being and if everything goes right I will be able to talk to Ryan tomorrow. That's always the best thing ever while he's away.

Tomorrow I am going to mom and dad Dawsons for a couple of days. It'll be good for me. Being around his family and around more of his memories should bring some peace to my mind. I can't wait. Mom D and I will be swimming and waiting to talk to Ryan. We are stoked! Not sure what else is in store for the couple of days that I am there but it's sure to be a good time.

I think I have officially decided to try the trip home to Virginia all by myself. If I wait, I will miss my friends wedding and a birthday bash for my friend Jesse and me and it's also a getting out of the Navy party for our other friend. So I think I will head out of Indiana next Friday around 6 or 7 am (kill me now lol). Anyone that knows me knows that I suck really badly at getting up early on my own so I'm gonna have to rely on daddy to make sure I am up when he gets up.

Lastly I want to say, this PS speaks volumes to me.

As a Navy wife going through a deployment I am wounded and I will have a scar come next year.

That scar will tell a story.

That I survived deployment.

Deployment Day x: I LOVE this (NOT deployment lol)

A friend shared this on facebook and I want to share it with all my mil spouses.

A toast to you for falling apart & putting yourself back together because a paycheck isnt enough, a body pillow in your bed is no consolation & a web cam can never compare.This is for all of YOU no matter how easy or hard this was for you. Our Sailors are brave, they are heroes but so are we. So the next time someone tells you that they would never marry a military guy dont bother explaining to them that you cant control who you fall in love with, just think of this & nod your head, know that you are the stronger woman. Hold your heads up high, hang that flag in your front yard, stick 100 magnets on your car & then give yourself a pat on the back. Be proud to be the woman that you are, be proud to be a military wife.

Deployment Day x: A new realization

I came to the realization today, while in church mind you (I know, shame on me) that deployment doesn't sound near as long when you count it in weeks. For example, if he's gone for 6 months, that sounds absolutely dreadful does it not? How about saying, he's gone for 24 weeks? I decided I was going to count down the weeks rather then the days or months. I had told myself before that there was no way I was going to count down the days because that is horrible when it comes to your loved one being gone for so long but if you count weeks, it seems so much shorter! I don't have 24 weeks :) At least not anymore! I wish I could say exactly how much time has gone by because I am rather excited that much time has came and went already. It didn't sound like much to me when I counted it in months but when I realized what an idiot I was being and figured out the weeks instead of months, it gave me hope that this isn't going to be quite as hard as I was letting it be.

Being here with my family has brought a lot of joy to my soul. We are extremely close and I just feel the love. I just hope I don't go back to Virginia with a heavy heart. I wan't my new found peace, hope and faith to tag along with me. Deployment is only as hard as you make it on yourself and I REFUSE for my sake and for my husbands sake to make this any harder then it needs to be. I guess it doesn't need to be hard at all but it's going to have it's moments that are hard for sure so might as well just deal with it.

Deployment Day x: You know it's funny?

I introduced Ryan to the world of blogging and now he blogs more then me! Well at least since he deployed. I like it :) I love reading his blogs. It gives me a small step into the mind that I can't be in while he's not here. It helps.

Today, let me say, was a GREAT DAY. For the first time since Ryan left, I have yet to feel sad, depressed or anything other then happy. I got... MY DREAM WEDDING DRESS!!! I'd love to post it here so everyone can see but Ryan reads my blog so I can't lol. Before anyone new asks, Ryan and I wanted to get married before he deployed so we had a small ceremony with the mayor of my hometown and a small party afterward. Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful. That was the day I gave my whole heart to the most amazing man on the planet and vice versa BUT I refuse to not have my big wedding. I have dreamed of a big wedding since I was a little girl. GOTTA HAVE IT. My dress was about 500 dollars more then my parents wanted to spend but I am going to help a little and on top of it all daddy couldn't seem to leave there without it today even though the wedding is in a little over 8 months. He got a Davids Bridal credit card just so I could have that dress and also put a gorgeous headband, the cloth bag for the dress and my jewelry on it. Geeze I sure do love my parents.

Now, I hope I don't come off wrong. I love Ryan and I miss him like crazy but I have been up NEAR cloud nine today. Cloud nine is reserved for Ryan so I'm not exactly there but I have been in such a good mood today. Mostly because I didn't give myself any time to sit around and mope. I know it will make Ryan happy knowing that I didn't have a terrible day today like some of these days have been. Having shared my lovely day with you all, I am off to bed. My sister and I are going to sing a song together in church tomorrow and I don't wanna be a hot mess lol.

Deployment Day x: Life without you

Life has been pretty crazy lately. Some things have happened that I really wish hadn't have. As you all know, Ryan deployed last week. I hate it. I hate every minute of every day he is gone. But I'm a survivor and I'm gonna make it.

Saturday I drove to Indiana. I met my family at the halfway point in West Virginia at around 6 pm. It was really nice to see them and all I wanted was a big huge hug from my mommy. I needed it but we met at McDonalds and the last thing on earth I want to do in a public place is cry. I knew if I got that well needed hug I would bawl my eyes out. After we left there we went on to my uncles lake house in Southern Indiana. It took WAY longer then it should have to get there and we didn't arrive there until 2:30 am. All I could think the whole trip was, "I would have already been in Michigan City if I would have been with Ryan or would have just drove on my own". It drove me nuts with all the stopping we had to do. It only takes Ryan and I around 12 1/2 hours when we do the trip. It took like 6hours alone to get to my uncles house from Huntington, West Virginia! It was rediculous to say the least. We left my uncles lake house at around noon the next day and would you believe it took us like 7 hours to get home from there? A normal drive for Ryan and I is 4 hours from Southern Indiana. I love my family and I am very grateful that they met up with me but REALLY? Lol. It killed me. Not to mention I wasn't able to email Ryan the whole trip except for from my phone and that is a pain.

Good news is, Ryan has called me 3 times since he's been gone. Every time I hear his voice it's like the angels are singing. Then he has to go around 15 minutes into the converation and the black clouds cover my head again. That's how I have been feeling lately. Like I am walking around everywhere with black clouds over my head. Eeyore from Whinnie the Pooh best describes me these days... "Looks like it's gonna rain.", yep, that's me.

Monday Ryans mom met up with me at my parents and it took everything in me to not cry when I was with her. I see soo much of him in her now. It's crazy. At one point she was like "I haven't given you a hug yet!" and I thought to myself, "Ugh here come the tears", but I kept it together. She and I mailed out some stuff to him. A care package if you will. I was really excited to mail that out. I hope he gets it soon and loves it.

Night before last I went out with a few old friends. It was nice to see them but as the night progressed one of them told me that (one of my friends) her husband has been beating her. I wasn't sure if I believed it because frankly I didn't want to believe that one of my friends could do something like that. He was really drunk by the time we left so she drove. I was sitting in between them in the front because there wasn't room in the back and he turned the music all the way up so she turned it down. Then he turned it up again and she turned it back down. After that, he started swinging on her. He was hitting her right in front of me and I couldn't let that happen. I got in the middle of it and told him to stop and he hit me too. HE. hit. ME. Then he stopped swinging and punched their windshield twice, breaking it. Dropped me off and I begged her to come stay with me but she went home with him anyway. Yesterday afternoon I sent him a text that said only "She isn't the only one you hit last night" and finally about 8 hours later I got "I'm sorry" back. I said, "I can't be your friend anymore" and he said "I wish you didn't have to see the monster in me" so I only said one last thing, "I wish you didn't have it. Bye" and that was that. It KILLED me to have to go through that and it KILLS me that she wont call the cops or leave him. Noone deserves that, noone. Except maybe him...

So, I told Ryan about it and... Let's just say he was VERY upset. I felt bad for telling him but I also felt that as his wife, he should know. I'm not going to say what he had to say about the guy but let's just say, it wasn't pretty. He basically wished death on him. I ended up telling my mother in-law and when she and I got off the phone she told my father in-law. He called me and told me "That guy better find somewhere to hide" and said a whole lot of angry things. He doesn't stand for crap like that. I have never heard that tone is his voice before so I know he means business.

I spent the night with one of my best friends last night and it was nice to just get away, have a couple glasses of wine and just relax with her. She went to bed about a half an hour before me and after I heard from Ryan again I joined her. I slept in her bed with her and it felt nice. It was the first time I slept in a bed since Ryan left. Of course the odds of that happening again are slim unless I can get to her house again or I stay with another one of my girl friends one of these nights while he's away. Then again, noone can really take his place in the bed. His cuddles are awesome.

I got some good news that I think I may be able to share tomorrow or at least the next time I am on. No, the deployment isn't going to be any shorter so, no, I won't be seeing Ryan again sooner then I expected but trust me, when they are gone, this is something every woman looks forward to.

Before I go, I am going dress shopping Saturday! For the big wedding :) I can't wait for that!

Deployment Day 4: Doing dishes

I never thought I would have such a hard time doing dishes until I started doing them tonight. They needed to be done before Ryan deployed but I have been putting them off. BAD IDEA. More then half of them were his and I cried the whole time I was doing them. I felt like I was washing his memory away. I have been having THE HARDEST TIME cleaning things he left around the house because of that too. Doing the dishes tonight turned tonight into the hardest night I have had since he left. FYI when I say cried, I mean SOBBED. I think at one point snot started running out of my nose and I didn't even care. It was like I was a kid again throwing a fit.

I am leaving tomorrow morning to drive to Indiana to be with my family for a couple weeks and I am soo torn. I keep wishing I was leaving tonight instead but at the same time I am having a really hard time leaving our apartment. I wish I could just pack this place and take it with me. Tonight, for doing the dishes, I am a hot mess. And to think I was doing so good. Sighhhh...

Deployment Day 1: I HATE this!

Watching Ryan leave was THE. HARDEST. THING. I have ever had to do. We got kicked off the ship at 9 am. He left at 10 am and 1 hour and 20 minutes later I am still crying. He called me once but we only got to talk for 10-15 minutes because he had to use the bathroom in the middle of our conversation.

Here's pretty much how the morning went:

6:15 am: We woke up and I instantly felt like I had been hit by a bus. We got ready and was out the door around 6:30. Ran by McDonalds to pick up a couple Frappes and then picked up someone that needed a ride to the ship. Got to the ship around 7:15.

7:30 am: Liberty expired and it was time for us to spend our last hour and a half together for 6-8 months. It was pretty bittersweet. Somber if you will. It was nice to have that last bit of time with him but at the same time I just wanted it to be over so I could go home and cry. Like, REALLY cry. Cry like I had been wanting to the whole time I was on the ship with him and the whole time I was watching the ship leave. We got a few pictures and spent most of our time together smoking. At 8:52 we started our goodbye. I was off the ship a few minutes later but not before crying on Ryans shoulder and bearly being able to let him go. He walked me off the ship, gave me one last long hug and kiss and went back on the ship where I could no longer go. Noone could. I was one of the last people off the ship if not the last. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to let him go. It took everything in me.

9:00 am: I stood on that pier for what seemed like forever before the ship started moving away from it. It was pretty devastating. Random people kept talking to me and I think that is the only thing that kept me from bawling on the pier. So, I talked to randoms, watched the news people recording the "event" and stared at Ryan while taking pictures of him. We also texted and once I post some of those pictures you will see him texting me lol.

Somewhere around 10:00 am: The ship started moving and I started to lose it but managed to keep it together. I walked all the way to the end of the pier so I could watch until I couldn't make Ryan out anymore. It's like watching your heart break in slow motion. I stayed there until a little after 11:00 am. Once I couldn't see Ryan anymore, I couldn't bear to watch.

As soon as I got in the car I cried really hard. I cried all the way home. Though the car ride is only 10 minutes. I didn't even care what the people in the cars around me thought. Once I pulled into a parking spot at home the tears dried up. I made my "I got my big girl panties on" walk to our apartment but once I got inside woah was it SO on! I cried like it was my job and I was the CEO of crying. I cried until I got a massive headache (which I still have, by the way). About a half hour after I got home I got the call from Ryan. We talked for a while but it wasn't enough. He let me go to use the bathroom and ended the conversation with "I will try to call you back but if I dont get the chance I want you to know I love you and I will talk to you soon". I still hoped I'd get that call. Around 12:05 I got a text from him that said, "I'm losing signal :( I love you!" and I just threw my phone across the room after saying "I love you too!!!", I was soo upset but I didn't want to miss out on replying to him.

As I was writing that last sentence, Ryan got a little signal and called me! Thank God :) That however, ruined my whole train of thought.

Basically, I'm a wreck. Period. I am managing but things haven't fully sank in yet. It kind of just feels like he is at work. Come 4:30 or so and he doesn't call and isn't home it will defintely sink in.

Oh the bright side, my parents figured out a way to get me to Indiana for a couple weeks and I am really excited. It'll be nice to be there and away from this for a little bit. On top of that Betty from Life as a Sailors Girl is throwing a "Cheer Brittany Up" party Thursday night. She rocks. All of my friends here do. Thank God for them.

I will praise you in this storm

I don't care what anyones beliefs are but I stand firm by mine. I am a born and raised free Methodist. Basically we believe EVERYTHING in the Bible. God, Jesus, the whole shebang. I haven't been the best Christian in the world for the past few years but my faith has never faltered. I have always believed and nothing is going to change that. I am not here to preach, simply to give thanks.

Last night while we were in bed I prayed, I mean REALLY prayed, for the first time in a long time. It gave me a sense of relief and I haven't cried one time today. I was talking to a good friend and while we were talking I realized that it's nice to know there is someone out there that will love you unconditionally, no matter what you say or think. Someone that ALWAYS listens to you and will comfort you if you let them.

So, in my prayer last night I thanked Him for blessing me with Ryan. I thanked Him for all of the wonderful and positive people I have in my life and I asked Him for comfort in my time of need. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long and I told Him I love Him and as He already knows, my feelings about Him have never changed. He is my Father. I will NEVER be too proud to tell anyone that.

No matter which way you believe I just want you to know one thing. Even if God isn't that person for you, there will ALWAYS be that person out there that you can talk to when you need to. And if for some reason you can't find that person, look no further. I have a great set of eyes and ears and I will always be here.

Surrender, surrender, you whisper gently

It's just under the 1 week mark and I have been finding it really hard to not shed a tear in front of Ryan. I usually get it out while he's at work but sometimes my mind wanders while I watch him do random things around the house. I keep thinking, "This time next week I will be here all alone" and it gets my emotions going. In times like these you really think about the things you never really thought about or even recognized. For example, Ryan walking to the bathroom from the livingroom, pausing the movie or anything else so he doesn't miss a second of it. Talking together, laughing together and just BEING together. It's all going to be put at a hault next week.

I have found myself watching his every move. I don't want to miss anything he does. Everything he does now seems far too important to miss out on. You know, cause, this time next week I wont get to see him do those things for 6-8 months. I feel like my brain is mush right now. Usually I can blog my emotions no problem but after typing out only these 2 paragraphs, I feel emptied out.

We found something else out yesterday that is making things harder on me, on US. He wont be going to the Med anymore, which means FAR LESS port visits which means quite possibly no Skyping at all. We had full intentions of Skyping at any post he pulled into when he was going to be in the Med but now... He is going to a place far less safe. Let's call it the gulf. After he told me, I couldn't talk. I felt like I had no brain function for getting words out. All I wanted to do was cry but of course I didn't even do that. He just hugged me and asked me if I wanted to say anything and all I could do was shake my head no. When he got in the shower I immediately went outside and called my mom and cried. Ryan took a WAY shorter shower then usual and he came outside to sit with me and I had to hurry and wipe the tears but he saw them. We came right back inside afterward and as we were opening the door he hugged me and told me it was okay to cry in front of him. That almost made me bawl but I just said, "No it isn't." and we went inside so I could start dinner. After dinner we were watching Roswell and cuddling on the couch. I said something that made Ryan laugh and after he laughed he said "I am gonna miss you" and that almost brought me to tears again. As much as I want to hear that he will miss me, hearing him say it is like slamming into a brick wall. So much for my mind being empty lol.

I know I keep starting my blogs off on bad notes. I'm just quite depressed over here and my blog is my out. BUT I had the "blog hens" over on Monday night and we had a great night! We literally talked from 6 pm til 1 am! It was crazy! The "blog hens" include: Alisheau from A Sailors Mistress my bff Tia from Engaged to the Navy Marie from Life as a Sailors Girl and Christina from The Journey of a Navy Wife. We had a fantastic time and plan to have another get together very soon. These girls are kind of my rock. They help me through and I just thank God for bringing them into my life. I love you girls :)

On another positive note, I got my i.d. today so yay!

A wedding and a funeral

I don't even know where to start at this point. It has been almost 2 weeks since I have gotten the chance to blog. I have SO much to say.

We got to Indiana on Wednesday morning last week. Somewhere around 9 am. We fell asleep at 9:30 and woke back up at noon. We kind of chilled out for a little bit. Then, I called my mom.... My uncle had passed away in his sleep the night before. I was devastated. I fell to the ground and cried. Ryan ran over to me to find out what was wrong and I could bearly utter the words "my uncle died last night". I am getting emotional just thinking about it right now. He was supposed to be at my wedding. He wasn't supposed to die. His funeral was the day after our wedding and it was the first time I had seen him in about a year. It wasn't the way I was supposed to see him. Life really throws bombs at you sometimes...

I know I started this blog on a totally bummer note but let's get to the good stuff. WE ARE MARRIED! The wedding was perfect and beautiful and I bearly noticed anyone but Ryan. After the wedding we went down to the beach to snap some pictures and then everyone else headed to the party and Ryan and I went to check in to the bed and breakfast we were staying in that night then we headed to the party too. We got there and about 40 of our close relatives clapped and wolf whistled. It was exciting and embarrassing at the same time lol. So, got there, and found out the cake had melted... It looked like hell so I helped my sister fix it and it ended up looking pretty neat after that :) They made us do the garter thing and the first dance even though it wasn't our big wedding. The first dance was amazing. We danced to "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith, my eyes welled up with tears a couple times but for the most part we just smiled, sang and laughed. Now for the garter... Ryan had cuffs on per my families request (lol) THEN they said to blindfold him. I had no idea why but I just sat there and laughed anyway. Wellllllllll, my sister whispered in my ear to get up and I was replaced with my brother in law who pulled his shorts up in case Ryan actually touched him. Ryan bent his head in shame right between my brother in laws legs and my brother in law said "I can't do this" and got up and ran. It was really funny. Then they put me back there and all was said and done after about 5 minutes of Ryan trying to get my dress to stay up and it falling right back down every time.

The bed and breakfast we stayed at was amazing to say the least. We got there around 9 pm and started drinking champaigne. Ryan had one or 2 glasses and I cleared the rest while he drank his Jack and Dr Peppers. We sat in the double whirlpool for about an hour before we realized how sleepy it was making us since it was the first time we had really relaxed since we got to Indiana. Around 1 am or so, we were passed out. And yes, I DEFINATELY left some details out haha. Lets just say, we had unprotected sex for the first time ever that night.

Saturday was a rough day. My uncles funeral was beautiful but heartbreaking. I shook, I cried, I felt mentally drained. We had a nice lunch at a church in Michigan City afterwards with the friends and family. Ryan and I were pooped but we really wanted to go shopping at the outlit mall so we went to my parents place, changed into some casual clothes and headed out. After getting into an argument with a MAJORLY stupid beyotch in the parking lot we got a TON of stuff at Old Navy and Yankee Candle then went back to my parents and shortly later went out to eat with them. It was a great ending to a terrible start.

Fun time! We left Indiana to come back home to Virginia at around 5 pm and got here around 7 am. Ryan and I fell asleep around 8 am and at 8:30 got a phone call saying the apartment we were supposed to move into had some piping issues so we couldn't move there. We were given 2 other options and they both made me unhappy. NEITHER had dishwashers. SO we only got half an hour of sleep the day we moved. Of course we moved into one of the places without the dishwasher because we didn't have much choice. Ryan was already off the lease at the old place so we had nowhere else to go. So, we came to the new place, signed our lease (YAY!!!) and  got back to the old place to start packing the UHAUL at around 12:30. We didn't get back to the new place until around 8:30 or so. It SUCKED. On top of it all I really wasn't much help with the heavier things because my feet were literally KILLING me. I could bearly walk. So I carried in the lighter things and set stuff up as it was being brought in. We still have a half a room full of boxes that need unpacked but we are getting there. We LOVE it here by the way!

We had a great housewarming/Ryans birthday party last night. It was really great and I was very refreshed after almost a year of thinking Ryans best friend hated me, he treated me like I deserved to be treated and even told Ryan something he already knows, that he got a good girl.

OH! I forgot to mention, yesterday morning Ryan had his cardiologist appointment. It left a massively bittersweet taste in my mouth. He is fine. Which means he can deploy. Which means in less then 2 weeks he will be gone. Just like that... gone. I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. I cry when I'm by myself. I know I can do it but I dont want to have to do it, if that makes sense.

One last thing before I finish this crazy long blog, here is my song for the Navy:
We are the mistress, the Navy is the wife. Don't EVER forget that.