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Surrender, surrender, you whisper gently

It's just under the 1 week mark and I have been finding it really hard to not shed a tear in front of Ryan. I usually get it out while he's at work but sometimes my mind wanders while I watch him do random things around the house. I keep thinking, "This time next week I will be here all alone" and it gets my emotions going. In times like these you really think about the things you never really thought about or even recognized. For example, Ryan walking to the bathroom from the livingroom, pausing the movie or anything else so he doesn't miss a second of it. Talking together, laughing together and just BEING together. It's all going to be put at a hault next week.

I have found myself watching his every move. I don't want to miss anything he does. Everything he does now seems far too important to miss out on. You know, cause, this time next week I wont get to see him do those things for 6-8 months. I feel like my brain is mush right now. Usually I can blog my emotions no problem but after typing out only these 2 paragraphs, I feel emptied out.

We found something else out yesterday that is making things harder on me, on US. He wont be going to the Med anymore, which means FAR LESS port visits which means quite possibly no Skyping at all. We had full intentions of Skyping at any post he pulled into when he was going to be in the Med but now... He is going to a place far less safe. Let's call it the gulf. After he told me, I couldn't talk. I felt like I had no brain function for getting words out. All I wanted to do was cry but of course I didn't even do that. He just hugged me and asked me if I wanted to say anything and all I could do was shake my head no. When he got in the shower I immediately went outside and called my mom and cried. Ryan took a WAY shorter shower then usual and he came outside to sit with me and I had to hurry and wipe the tears but he saw them. We came right back inside afterward and as we were opening the door he hugged me and told me it was okay to cry in front of him. That almost made me bawl but I just said, "No it isn't." and we went inside so I could start dinner. After dinner we were watching Roswell and cuddling on the couch. I said something that made Ryan laugh and after he laughed he said "I am gonna miss you" and that almost brought me to tears again. As much as I want to hear that he will miss me, hearing him say it is like slamming into a brick wall. So much for my mind being empty lol.

I know I keep starting my blogs off on bad notes. I'm just quite depressed over here and my blog is my out. BUT I had the "blog hens" over on Monday night and we had a great night! We literally talked from 6 pm til 1 am! It was crazy! The "blog hens" include: Alisheau from A Sailors Mistress my bff Tia from Engaged to the Navy Marie from Life as a Sailors Girl and Christina from The Journey of a Navy Wife. We had a fantastic time and plan to have another get together very soon. These girls are kind of my rock. They help me through and I just thank God for bringing them into my life. I love you girls :)

On another positive note, I got my i.d. today so yay!


KrippledWarrior said...

Share everything. Emotions included. Tears are an important part of love and life. They are not a sign of weakness. They prove that you are alive and aware. SHARE THEM. The alternative sux.

Tia said...

Thanks for pimping me out- and for staying kosher with OPSEC. ;)

KelseyC said...

I wish I could say something warm, uplifting and inspiring to help you today, but sometimes hugs are better. Hug.