Oh Em Gee! Another contest! I want, want, WANT!!!

Okay, so the ONLY thing I want more then a custom blog layout is a Navy Wife shirt! This contest will get me that! This is SO important to me and I know I have been asking for everyones help with the other contest but trust me when I say, your help will NOT go unnoticed! I am so inspried by this contest because it is something that VERY MUCH means something to me. Not only is music one of my vices, it is a good portion of my life and mind. Here are the top 5 songs I listen to "While You're Away":

Wait For Me- Theory of a Deadman - Why? The first time I heard this song I was directed to it by another Navy wife on facebook. It touched me in ways I never even thought about and it means a lot to me to think that Ryan just may feel this way. How he feels means more to me then how I feel when he is gone and it really made me think about that and to stop being so selfish.

Permanent Monday- Jordin Sparks- Why? There is no other song in the world that has just poured MY heart out FOR me like this one. From start to finish this song is basically EXACTLY how I feel. "Every time you go away, the sunshine starts to fade. Frozen by the hands of time into a permanent Monday. Take me back into your arms and dont ever let me go. Cuz when I see you walk through that door I'm not lost anymore, I'm home", how could any of us dealing with long underways and deployments not totally relate to this song? It's a gut wrencher though, so be careful while listening to it "While he's away".

6 Months- Hey Monday- Why? This song is mine and Ryans song. Well, one of them. It describes our relationship at home and at sea. For those of you who have never heard it the chorus goes "Everything you say, everytime we kiss I cant think straight but I'm okay. And I cant think of anybody else who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you" The. End.

Mona Lisa- The All American Rejects- Why? This song might not sound like a good song when listening to it from your point of view but it means everything to me. The night Ryan and I first finally told eachother that we love eachother Ryan was singing this song. When "And all I need is next to me" came up, he looked at me, smiling and sang it directly to me. It has always held a special place in my heart ever since then. It makes my heart smile in ways I never thought I would "While he's away".

When I'm With You- Faber Drive- Why? It's beautiful. I found the first 2 and this one while Ryan was on a 2 month long underway and this is another one that made me realize I was being selfish. That I wasnt the only one missing someone. That he missed me too. It also made me think about how much we take every day we have for granted and since Ryan has been home I have made "every second count" because I know I dont have very many more seconds before he deploys. I really dont :(

That is my top 5 though I have so many more and one that is very special to me thanks to the "While You're Away" group on facebook. It's called Ocean Size Love and you hear it every time you come to my blog.

Anyway, since you took the time to read this please also take the time to go to the lovely Christinas blog: The Journey of a Navy Wife and vote for me there! She is amazing and seriously, if you aren't already following her, do so. I promise you wont regret it!

Blog contest! Why do I deserve this blog make over?

Hey guys! Just want to share something absolutely wonderful with you! Betty over at Life as a Sailors Girl is having a contest! She sure is wonderful and her giveaway is something I have wanted for a VERY long time. I have been dying to have the blog of my dreams. I have always blogged for as long as I can remember. I started on livejournal, then moved to myspace, then to this wonderful place :)

I never thought what my blog looked like meant anything because really, I just came here to write, but the more I came here to write the more I realize that the way my blog looks actually DOES mean something.

1. People are more likely to read your blog if it looks nice. It's just like when someone comes to your house. If it's dirty they dont feel comfortable and are most likely not going to visit very often.

2. I have always loved expressing myself through art and writing so why on earth wouldn't I want my blog to show that?

3. I have spent countless hours looking through blog templates and none of them are ever what I REALLY want, they just work for the time being.

4. I feel like I deserve this because I am an avid blogger. I am here pretty much every day or at least every day I get the chance. It'd be great to come here and actually ENJOY the way my blog looks. I'd say it would inspire me to even write more.

It would mean everything to me to win this blog makeover. I dont have the money to pay anyone to make a custom blog template for me and I have wanted one for at least a year. My future husband deploys soon and coming to my blog to write when he is gone is my vice. It helps me through a lot. Not to mention I have helped many people in my same situation find blog templates they liked and personally put everything together for them. It'd be nice to have it done for myself for once. I just feel like I need this. I need this... So, PLEASE go visit Bettys blog and comment that you found her through me. Every little bit helps!


Hey life? Cut it out, will ya?!

Everything seems to be getting to me a lot lately. My mind has been going non stop between the wedding planning, the new apartment, the trip to Indiana and deployment. With all the stress how am I supposed to lose the 10 lbs I want to lose before the wedding on July 30th? Any help in that area?

To those of you that read my blog, you know the story of how I met Ryan. I was with a total jerk that I took a chance on because I thought I knew him. It became apparent that I didn't know him anywhere near as well as I thought once I moved here to live with him. Ryan was our roommate. Either way, he cheated on me and without hitting me or harming me in any way he made me feel like a battered woman and to this day he still does.

I found out today that he has been talking trash about me. Calling me a whore. Claiming that I was cheating on him after he deployed. Calling me his "Nanny with benefits" and talking trash about mine and Ryans engagement. This is not the first time I have heard he was talking trash about me and every time I hear it, it cuts like a knife deep into my soul because I did EVERYTHING for that man and got cheated on in return. You have no clue what I mean when I say EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING. I moved away from everyone and everything I had ever known to take that chance. I basically DID become a nanny with benefits except for the fact that the pay was terrible. I never had any extra money, I was ALWAYS stuck at home watching his kid, even on the weekends, we never did anything. He bought me cigs, fed me and put a roof over my head, but ya know? That just wasn't enough. If that was what I wanted I would have stayed in Indiana where I had a pretty darn good job and already had a roof over my head not to mention I had the freedom to get out when I needed to. I already had all the things he gave me. What I was looking for when I went to live with him was love and I never got that. I dont care that I'm not with him anymore, I left him for a reason. It just hurts to hear that someone is saying such mean things about you especially when those things arent true.


Dear Deployment, Please, just... dont.

With deployment just around the corner things are setting in. Ryan and I are treating eachother mildly differently. In some ways good, in some ways bad. I know it's just our subconsciences prepping themselves for the pain that is to come but it still hurts. Thinking about watching my heart break in slow motion as the ship pulls out of port here just... There are no words to describe the feeling. The big, bold, red letters on the schedule. DEPLOYMENT. It makes me sick to my stomache. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and just pretend it isn't real. I know what I am signing up for I just dont like missing him. But then again, none of us like that do we? None of us like being left alone for countless nights. None of us like waiting by the phone or checking our email once every 5 minutes. I'm not ready but then again I'm sure none of us ever are.

Our wedding is going to be very bittersweet. It'll be beautiful. I will be Mrs. Ryan Dawson and we will come back and live our fairy tale for a couple weeks and then the nightmare will sink in and he will be gone. I will be left there on the pier crying with every bit of my heart. Feeling some of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Watching that ship take my husband away.

I know I probably sound like an idiot. I probably sound like I cant handle it but trust me when I say, I can. It hurts, a LOT, but it's worth it all to have him come back home to me.


Dear Time, SLOW DOWN!!!

The first day I met you I developed a mini crush very suddenly. I thought you were cute and you seemed nice but you didn't really talk to me. Little did I know that was the beginning of something absolutely breath taking and soon I will be your wife. Today I have thought a lot about being your fiance' and it finally sank in. I am going to spend the rest of my life with the most amazing man in the whole universe and I am so lucky. I am finally in that stage in our engagement where it has hit me head on and it makes me so happy to finally be here. For the first 2 weeks (or so) all I could think about was planning our wedding and finally my mind is clear and though I have been so happy to be your future wife, today the happiness is overwhelming.

For almost 2 years I had you as my best friend. You were there for me when I was at my worst and I have never been able to come up with the words to thank you for that. I'm sure it goes without saying that I am forever grateful to you for everything you have done.

Our life together started the day after Christmas last year and it was the best present I got. Now we are coming up to that 6 month mark and shortly after that we will have a new anneversary. Then shortly after that you leave and you take my whole heart with you. Time is flying and I haven't gotten the chance to even say hi to time before I am already having to say goodbye to it. If time slows down just a little bit so that I can enjoy what little bit I have left with you, it will make me the happiest woman alive.

I'm not ready for you to be gone for 6 + months but I will wait for you no matter what it takes. Watching the ship pull in and you come off it and into my arms makes that whole 6 months worth every bit of stress, every tear and every heartbreak.

Basically what I am getting at is, this is beautiful. Nothing in my life makes more sense then you and me.


I never got to be engaged!!!

What happened to "Congrats on being engaged!" and that being it? Why does there have to also be that "So, when is the wedding?" question? I have been so busy planning 2 weddings that I haven't gotten the chance to just enjoy being engaged! Can't we just be engaged for 1 week without wedding planning?

We are going to have 2 weddings. One on July 30th of this year. Just a small one before he deploys. Getting married by the mayor of my hometown in city hall. Then having a VERY SMALL party afterward. Then come May 28th of next year we are having the big one. I got my dress and shoes for the small ceremony.
You can view the dress here: The dress and here are the shoes:

I just want to be a fiance and just that for a week without planning a wedding. Is that to much to ask?


Let the plans begin!

And let my stress level go through the roof lol. The thought of actually being engaged hasn't even sunk in yet...

I am so insanely happy that I can't even express it with letters much less words! All day yesterday I was getting phone call after phone call and I am SO glad that didn't happen again today. Just because of the engagement I have used almost 1,500 minutes this past month. Let me just say, I get 3,000 minutes a month and my nights and weekends start at SIX pm! Everyone has been calling me during the day! It's pretty insane! I think yesterday alone I used a good 500 of those minutes. I have also used close to 4,000 texts. Thank God for unlimited lol.

I am beyond happy right now. Every time I watch the proposal video I laugh, cry and smile. I was more shocked and surprised then I have ever been in my entire life and you can really tell in the video. I can't think right now. I had this amazing blog in my head as I was laying down to sleep last night but now it has left me...