The end of the storm.

A rainbow...

A rainbow is God's way of telling us the storm is over.

A rainbow baby.

Abby is a rainbow baby. A rainbow signifies that the storm is over. After I miscarried, there was a storm. A horribly brutal one. It lasted a year. It rained EVERY DAY for a year. September 17th a rainbow formed. The storm was over. It stopped raining and the sky was clear enough so you could see where that rainbow began and where it ended. If pots of gold were real, you would have been able to see that too.

When I think about our rainbow baby, I am elated. I can hardly believe that she will be here in a month, maybe more, maybe less. It brings me to tears to think that in a short time, we will finally have what we have been longing for, for so long. I drown in my thoughts of her every day. I worry about her constantly. I feel helpless because I can't touch her, hold her, rock her...

Did you know that studies say that babies cry in the WOMB? I'm so glad we can't hear it. I would just lose it if I heard her crying but couldn't comfort her.

My patience grows thinner every day.

I just can't wait to have her.

I just can't.


Bump Day: Things are getting real

Yesterday I hit 35 weeks. THIRTY-FIVE WEEKS. I seriously cannot believe that it has been so long since Ryan and I were embracing, crying and laughing in the living room because I had randomly taken a test 1 day late and it was positive.

You all know my story but here's a brief catch up:
Ryan and I started TTC in June of 2010, found out I was pregnant in July and miscarried in September. I would have been 12 weeks pregnant but the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks and 1 day. We were absolutely devastated (and I know you all know that in a way, I still am) but as soon as I had my first normal period, we were allowed to start trying again and I had that period in early October so we jumped back on the wagon. Month after month after month I tested and those tests came back negative, every d*** time. I felt so alone. I felt like I would never be pregnant again. I felt like my only baby was the one in heaven. That was until September 18th. I was one day late for my period (heck I could have possibly not been late at all). I had been "one day late" so many times and tested so many times and the test came back negative SO. MANY. TIMES. I was on the phone with my mom and decided to go to Walmart to get a test. I told her I was getting one but she didn't know I was going to take it while on the phone with her still. As soon as I got home, I took that test. As soon as two lines showed up, I started shaking. My mom had no clue what was going on and I kept trying to ask her how likely it was to get a false positive but I was so shaky that she couldn't understand me. Ryan walked in the door within SECONDS of that positive test. I walked out of the bathroom looking like I had seen a ghost and I handed him the test. The smile on that mans face was just breath taking. We instantly started crying and laughing in shock, and hugging of course. I had my mom on speaker phone and she kept saying my name because I wasn't responding to her. Finally I said "I'm pregnant!!!" and we all celebrated. It was amazing. It was magical. It was beautiful. It was perfect.

Now, here we are. There are 5 weeks left and we have everything done so now we wait. My patience has grown ever so thin. I don't want to have her EARLY. I want it to be TIME to have her. She is so amazing and wonderful and she is just the biggest blessing. Sometimes I feel like we don't deserve her but then I remember everything we have gone through just to have her. We SO deserve her. And we will be everything she deserves.


Bump Day!

Well...it all started with a boy and a girl. Shortly after our marriage I did a good ole switcheroo on my BC. I was told by my doctors "No worries...you'll be off for a few days that's not enough time to get pregnant". Apparently, my body took that as a challenge! My new doctor at the Naval Hospital told me to get a blood test just to be sure that I wasn't pregnant. I laughed the entire time, knowing there was NO way I could be pregnant! The next day, she calls and informs me...my first doctor was wrong. I was indeed pregnant! When I first found out, I called my best friend in tears. My husband and I had been married less than a month...he was surely going to divorce me! We were just about to PCS from Groton to Naval Base Kitsap COMPLETELY across the country! He called me as he was leaving base asking what the Dr had said...and I said "Well...we are pregnant" and he was HAPPY. I was shocked. I spent HOURS freaking out that he was going to hate me, divorce me, kill me (okay so I was getting a BIT dramatic at that point)...anything but be happy! The next morning he woke up and said "Good morning baby! ...and baby!" and I knew...things would be okay. Fast forward a month, we were in Washington starting to settle in...and the morning sickness hit. But I didn't have morning sickness....NOOOOO...I had full blown all day sickness. My husband found me asleep in the bathroom more times then I care to count that first trimester. But knowing that my beautiful little munchkin was growing was all I cared about...(and the weight loss was good too!). I chose to do Centering Classes at the Naval Hospital instead of traditional appointments, and that was one of the best decisions I made during my pregnancy. Every month I got to meet with other moms due right around me and be miserable together.  At our second ultrasound (the big gender one!) We were told "There's an 80% chance it is a girl". So I spent the rest of my pregnancy getting bigger and bigger...and eventually passing by my due date. My mom flew out from Connecticut for the birth, and boy was I lucky for that. I set up my induction on a Thursday for the following Monday...knowing full and well, Sunday morning my husband was set to deploy for 6 weeks on a sub. I sobbed...and that is putting it lightly. There was NO way I wanted to go through my birth without my husband. So I went to bed on Thursday without my husband since he had duty. Friday morning at 5 I woke up knowing SOMETHING wasn't right. All of a sudden I had to pee like I've never had to pee before. So I waddled out and went to the bathroom...but didn't have to pee. My husband called a few minutes later and I told him I was 99% certain I was in labor. My mom overheard me, and came in. I told her that every 8-10 minutes I had to pee. She just laughed and told me yup...I was indeed in labor. I went the whole day at home trying to get it to move along...making meals to stick in the freezer and making sure EVERYTHING was ready, because that baby was comin! At 8pm I went into the hospital. I was indeed in labor so they admitted me. I let my husband sleep, since he was coming off of a duty day, and walked the halls with my mom. At 10 I went into the birthing tub and promptly got out...because that made my pain hurt worse. Now I went in with every intention of doing it natural. That lasted until 11. I was still against an epidural but I gladly welcomed the nubane. Now, I had back labor...and this medicine did NOTHING for my pain. So I used up all the pain meds I could, and was told at 2 am that I couldn't get any more medicine and still had a LONG way to go...so I told them find the epidural dude (the meds they gave me messed with my head...as did 21 hours of labor thus far.) and come stick me. So after the epidural I was able to get a bit of sleep as did my mom and husband. Around 930 am they told me I could start pushing soon. At 10 am I started pushing. At 10:05 I started asking for a C-Section...and was denied. At 10:10 I asked for the vacuum...and was denied. "We can see her head! Just push!" All the while...I'm informing them not that I have to push, but I feel like I'm gonna poop. See...they leave that part out of labor stories and it isn't fair. I screamed the entire time that I had to poop. Finally at 10:20 I tell them I have one more push...and next thing I know there is my baby girl. She had to be taken to the table to be tested since she pooped inside me. My first question was "Is she still a girl? Otherwise someone has to go get new clothes, because all I have is pink!" I got laughed at...and yes she was still a girl. Next question "Are her toes normal?!" My husband has 2 toes that are webbed and there was NO way my kid was going to have webbed toes...more laughter but yes her toes were perfect. Shortly afterwards I got to hold my beautiful 8 pound 7 ounce 21 inch long baby girl. 

Suddenly we had visitors. We hadn't even finished the phone calls...but welcomed people in. It was 2 men from my husbands boat (mind you, they told me it was friends so I was breastfeeding...imagine the surprise when it was 2 men I had NEVER met with my boobie all out.) They brought flowers and paperwork. I noticed and asked "What are the papers for?" They told us "Oh...we got him his paternity leave so he can meet the boat in a few weeks." I almost jumped out of bed and kissed these men. It was AWESOME, and I cannot tell you how lucky we were to have such an awesome command that did that without us even asking/knowing. After that it was the guests and the ever so fun discharge from the hospital and getting settled back home. Now she is two, and we are lucky as all get out with her. 

Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story, Abby!!!


It's probably been too long...

I know, I haven't posted an update in quite some time. When was the last time anyway? Like a month ago? Yeesh.

So what has happened in this past month? For one, I am 33 weeks today. 7. more. weeks. It feels like it's such a short time but forever away. Let's see, what else? Well, not much really. I have grown in the belly but lost 3 lbs due to... Gestational Diabetes.Yes, not only have I been blessed with a million stretch marks that are "hereditary" (neither my mom nor grandmother NOR sisters got them), I was also blessed with PUPPP which has driven me absolutely batty and to just top the whole poop filled cake off, 2 weeks ago found out I have gestational diabetes. 

The morning I found out, I BAWLED. You see, the day before I had called Labor and Delivery to see if they could tell me the results of another test and it turned out I should have gotten a phone call from my dr to let me know I had an infection. So, I was already pretty upset with him because (though the odds are slim) it can put you into pre term labor. So the dr at L and D put in a script for me and I got it the next day. I hadn't gotten a call about my glucose test so on a hunch I decided to call the nurse and see if she could read me my results. She told me that 3 of my numbers were high so I definitely had GD. I just started bawling. That was the last straw. How could I be going to this dr I can't trust? How could he let me down so much? It was a devastating blow. 

A week later I saw a nutritionist about the diet I should be on to control the diabetes and I have been struggling ever since then to get my morning fasting numbers leveled out. My numbers are almost always 10-15 higher than they should be in the morning but perfectly fine every other time I have to test. I was told to contact someone if my numbers were high 3 days in a row so I called the nutritionist yesterday morning after the 3rd day getting a high fasting number. He suggested that I try to go 12 hours without eating instead of 10 to see if I was one of the 20% that needed more fasting time. So, I went without a late snack and when I woke up this morning my numbers were still about the same as they have been. I called him, he referred me to the nurses station where they got me in for an appointment a couple hours later.

I basically went to this appointment so upset and feeling defeated because the last thing on earth I ever wanted to do was get put on a category c medicine every day for the rest of my pregnancy. They called me back and I made the trek to the room with the nurse trying my hardest to not think about why I was there and what they might tell me. The nurse did the routine business then told me the dr would be with me shortly and left. Shortly later the dr walked in and made me feel about a million times better.

He isn't extremely concerned with my slightly high morning fasting numbers. He wants me to go a couple of days without a late night snack and see if my blood sugar has been a little high in the morning because of the fact that my body isn't used to having that snack. He doesn't want to put me on meds just about as badly as I don't want to be on them. I have an appointment with him on Monday and he had me schedule an appointment with radiology to have a scan done to make sure she isn't too big or too small which is set for Tuesday. At my last appointment I was measuring 2 weeks ahead but only one week ahead at this appointment. I see him again on Monday and hopefully I am going to give him good news when I go in there.

I am taking a momentary deep sigh of relief.


Bump Day!

It was a cold and rainy night....not really, but it was one really rainy night in May when I fell and ended up in the hospital with a slight concusion (clumsy me). My sailor was away on duty and I was in our little apartment all alone and sick as a dog. As I was stepping out of the shower on to a bath mat that I probably imagined was there I slipped and there I went to la la land. If my sister had'nt stop by for a visit, I dont know what would have happened to me. I had been in the hospital for all of 3 hours and 20 minutes when a doctor came in and gave me his apologies. At that point, the first thing that came into my mind was " OMG, I have 7 hours to live!" Immediately I said, (without thinking) Im gonna die? He then smiled and said, No, no, no ....your baby no longer has a heartbeat. With the most confused look on my face I stared at him and uttered, what baby? He then began to explain to me that I was 12 weeks pregnant and that I had lost the baby. After he told me what might have caused the miscarriage and explained how I needed to stay in the hospital for a little due to my concusion, he left and I just sat there staring out the window of my hospital room with one thing on my mind......How did I not know I was pregnant? Two days had passed and I was finally discharged. I didnt have any migraines or broken bones but I felt horrible. How did I not know I was pregnant? That weighed heavy on my heart for a few months. I had a little bean and I didnt take care of it, how did I not know it was even there?  I cried and cried, crowning myself as the worst person in the world. But little did I know, that in a month and a few days, my life would change.
 My sailor had been back for a while now and before he had to leave again we decided to try a few new places in town. Our last stop for that week was a Chinese restaraunt that I thought was delicious. But on our way home, my tummy didnt feel so good, I made him pull off on the side of the road a few times so that I could puke. After I got back in the car the third time he turned the car off, took the key out and stared at me, "Is there something you need to tell me?" I quickly answered, "No, there's nothing I gotta tell you" he stared at me a little longer and then asked, "Are you pregnant?" I then said, If I was pregnant, I would know. I labled me being sick because of the Chinese food that we ate and moved the night along. A few days had passed and my sailor had already left for another mission. And as I sat in the room making plans for the next month, I realized aunt flow didnt show up that past month. I then started noticing little pregnancy symptoms I never paid attention to. That Sunday night I tossed and turned until 3am Monday morning I got dressed and drove to the nearest 24hr Walmart and bought me a pack of pregnancy tests. Three days had passed before I got the courage to take them and that Thursday afternoon I found out that I was pregnant! When I finally told my sailor, he was so happy that he almost cried. A month later I found out that it was TWINS!!! Yes, Twins!.....and then, things started to go downhill a bit. At 18 weeks we found out that one of the baby's wasnt doing so well and then a few weeks after that, she was gone. Baby A still remained but because they both shared the same sac I am still carrying both babies. You would not believe the pain and sadness that came over me. If it wasnt for my hunny bun sailor, I would have probably driven myself into a horrible depressed state. Even though we lost baby B, we are still blessed to be 26 weeks pregnant with baby A, who will be named Skylar, and we can not wait to meet her. 

If you would like to follow Floating Paper Hearts, here is her link: http://floatingpaperhearts.blogspot.com/ 

Thank you again for the awesome guest post!