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Deployment Day x: Life without you

Life has been pretty crazy lately. Some things have happened that I really wish hadn't have. As you all know, Ryan deployed last week. I hate it. I hate every minute of every day he is gone. But I'm a survivor and I'm gonna make it.

Saturday I drove to Indiana. I met my family at the halfway point in West Virginia at around 6 pm. It was really nice to see them and all I wanted was a big huge hug from my mommy. I needed it but we met at McDonalds and the last thing on earth I want to do in a public place is cry. I knew if I got that well needed hug I would bawl my eyes out. After we left there we went on to my uncles lake house in Southern Indiana. It took WAY longer then it should have to get there and we didn't arrive there until 2:30 am. All I could think the whole trip was, "I would have already been in Michigan City if I would have been with Ryan or would have just drove on my own". It drove me nuts with all the stopping we had to do. It only takes Ryan and I around 12 1/2 hours when we do the trip. It took like 6hours alone to get to my uncles house from Huntington, West Virginia! It was rediculous to say the least. We left my uncles lake house at around noon the next day and would you believe it took us like 7 hours to get home from there? A normal drive for Ryan and I is 4 hours from Southern Indiana. I love my family and I am very grateful that they met up with me but REALLY? Lol. It killed me. Not to mention I wasn't able to email Ryan the whole trip except for from my phone and that is a pain.

Good news is, Ryan has called me 3 times since he's been gone. Every time I hear his voice it's like the angels are singing. Then he has to go around 15 minutes into the converation and the black clouds cover my head again. That's how I have been feeling lately. Like I am walking around everywhere with black clouds over my head. Eeyore from Whinnie the Pooh best describes me these days... "Looks like it's gonna rain.", yep, that's me.

Monday Ryans mom met up with me at my parents and it took everything in me to not cry when I was with her. I see soo much of him in her now. It's crazy. At one point she was like "I haven't given you a hug yet!" and I thought to myself, "Ugh here come the tears", but I kept it together. She and I mailed out some stuff to him. A care package if you will. I was really excited to mail that out. I hope he gets it soon and loves it.

Night before last I went out with a few old friends. It was nice to see them but as the night progressed one of them told me that (one of my friends) her husband has been beating her. I wasn't sure if I believed it because frankly I didn't want to believe that one of my friends could do something like that. He was really drunk by the time we left so she drove. I was sitting in between them in the front because there wasn't room in the back and he turned the music all the way up so she turned it down. Then he turned it up again and she turned it back down. After that, he started swinging on her. He was hitting her right in front of me and I couldn't let that happen. I got in the middle of it and told him to stop and he hit me too. HE. hit. ME. Then he stopped swinging and punched their windshield twice, breaking it. Dropped me off and I begged her to come stay with me but she went home with him anyway. Yesterday afternoon I sent him a text that said only "She isn't the only one you hit last night" and finally about 8 hours later I got "I'm sorry" back. I said, "I can't be your friend anymore" and he said "I wish you didn't have to see the monster in me" so I only said one last thing, "I wish you didn't have it. Bye" and that was that. It KILLED me to have to go through that and it KILLS me that she wont call the cops or leave him. Noone deserves that, noone. Except maybe him...

So, I told Ryan about it and... Let's just say he was VERY upset. I felt bad for telling him but I also felt that as his wife, he should know. I'm not going to say what he had to say about the guy but let's just say, it wasn't pretty. He basically wished death on him. I ended up telling my mother in-law and when she and I got off the phone she told my father in-law. He called me and told me "That guy better find somewhere to hide" and said a whole lot of angry things. He doesn't stand for crap like that. I have never heard that tone is his voice before so I know he means business.

I spent the night with one of my best friends last night and it was nice to just get away, have a couple glasses of wine and just relax with her. She went to bed about a half an hour before me and after I heard from Ryan again I joined her. I slept in her bed with her and it felt nice. It was the first time I slept in a bed since Ryan left. Of course the odds of that happening again are slim unless I can get to her house again or I stay with another one of my girl friends one of these nights while he's away. Then again, noone can really take his place in the bed. His cuddles are awesome.

I got some good news that I think I may be able to share tomorrow or at least the next time I am on. No, the deployment isn't going to be any shorter so, no, I won't be seeing Ryan again sooner then I expected but trust me, when they are gone, this is something every woman looks forward to.

Before I go, I am going dress shopping Saturday! For the big wedding :) I can't wait for that!

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