I know

I kind of just snapped the other day. Today I feel better but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Truth be told, this is how I have felt for the last 3 months. One day I will be fine, everything will be fine, then everything will be horrible and I will hate myself again. I am really just super sick of feeling this way. I know it is a healing process but why haven't I healed yet? Why is it so hard to get over losing a baby I never even had? I guess to answer my own question that would be because it was real. My husband and I created life. That life didn't survive in MY womb. It's hard to not blame myself when our baby died inside of ME. One thing I really hated was them calling it a spontaneous abortion. For someone being so against abortion, my body aborted the baby? I thought an abortion was something done purposely to get rid of a baby? At least the er called it a spontaneous miscarriage. I just feel like that is a disgusting thing to call a miscarriage. I did NOT have a freaking abortion.

Friday is the ships Christmas party and I am really looking forward to that. Really hoping we win some kind of awesome prize. The music and a couple drinks should take my mind off the craziness that has been my life lately. Have I recently mentioned how much I can't wait for March when Ryan goes on shore? Yeah

On another note, my back has been hurting for a week and a half and I am about at the end of my rope with that. I want it to just get better so I don't have to go to the dr.