12.06.2011

I have been lying to myself for far too long

And now that I finally told my husband how I have been feeling since the miscarriage, maybe I should just get it all out there. I'm not okay. I'm STILL not okay. I feel ugly and I feel worthless and I feel REALLY stupid for feeling this way because I had a miscarriage. I haven't healed yet. I STILL miss our baby. I STILL cry when I see pictures of the ever growing baby bumps on the girls I was pregnant with. I STILL feel like it was my fault even though I KNOW it wasn't. This is the most complicated and terrifying thing I have ever been through. Every time I feel like I am getting better, I start my period and these feelings just intensify. As a matter of fact I had a total mental breakdown on Ryan last night. It felt good to get it out but again, I felt absolutely stupid. Not to mention Ryan knew he couldn't do anything to make it go away so all he could do is hold me and tell me that it wasn't my fault. It made me feel even worse knowing he knows he can't make me feel differently because I am an idiot and I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling and just went through it alone hoping and praying that it would get better and/or just go away. I long for peace of mind and some days I don't think I will get it until I have a healthy baby laying in my arms.

After starting my period this month, I decided I wasn't going to say we are trying anymore. If it happens, it happens. I can't deal with feeling this way month after month after month. It's KILLING me.

7 comments:

*~BrittDill~* said...

I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but I am here to talk if you need me or if you need a shoulder to cry on. I may not know what to say but I'm here. I told you my way with dealing with people when they are upset, just don't be alarmed if I offer you a shot. :)

Rannsong said...

I've been following your blog and I just wanted to say a few thing. I'm so sorry you miscarried. You're not an idiot for feeling that way. It's normal to be feeling like that and to not be over it as quickly as other people want you to be. My doctor told me a few months ago (after miscarriage 3) that we need a grief period. Others may not understand it, but it's a real process we have to go through. Friends and family are there to support you and love you. As a person who has experienced it before, I know that it sucks hearing "there was a reason for it" so I won't say that. Instead, I want to say you're not alone in this. No matter how alone or disgusted you feel with yourself, you will never be alone. You sound like you have a wonderful husband. He lost his baby too and he's probably just as upset as you are. My husband never showed his true emotions about it, but I knew inside he was hurting. The pain WILL heal. Will it take some time? Sure. Will you always miss your child? Absolutely. But you will become a stronger woman because of it and a better mom when your time comes. And always remember, just because you can't hold your baby or love on them, they will always be your child. They will always be looking down on you and loving you for being their mom, no matter how short of a time that was. Feel better when you are ready, not when others tell you to be.

Mrs.B said...

I've had 2 miscarriages. After the first one it took me almost a year to be able to actually not feel depressed.
You will heal but it's not something you can rush. If you need to talk, I'm here!

trooppetrie said...

when we lost our baby on november 5, 1998, someone gave
me a card with this poem and it has meant more to me that anything. so i
thought i would share it. the scripture on the front is Job 1:21 and inside
it says:
" I was thinking abut what's ahead for the baby. Can you imagine-it will be
taking its first steps on the streets of Heaven! Hannah was a mother who
certainly knows how special a little baby is. Perhaps she'll be the one who
will let it hold her finger as it takes those first staggering steps; and
maybe she will be the one to coax it into taking it first steps alone!
Perhaps Dorcas will see to it that its hems get let out, and that the
buttons are sewn on that growing child. And Joshua! Just think what it would
be like for a child to climb into his lap and hear-first hand- about the
battle of jericho!..
Maybe Petrer will take it fishing someday! It will never fall out of tree or
breaks it's leg, for there is no pain or tears there! It won;t be afraid of
the dark for there is no darkness there. The King of Kings, the Lord of
Lords, he is the very one who said, "let the little children come to me." I
expect there will be many a time when he himself will take that baby in his
lap and let it know a love that makes all other loves seem puny by contrast.
I wouldn't be surprised if the Heavenly Father keeps a few lollipops handy
for just such occasions....
And one day, you will be greeted with a " Hi Dad and Mom! I've got some of
the neatest things to show you; and some really fantastic people i can't
wait for you to meet."

chambanachik said...

:( So sorry. I hope you are able to heal a little bit more every day.

Navywife102409 said...

Brittany,

My heart hurts with yours. I have had two miscarriages, one in June and most recently on Sept. 30th. Life will never be the same. I am hurt and I am angry every time I see a new pregnancy announcement or parents complaining because their baby isn't sleeping or the morning sickness hasn't gone away yet. It makes me want to scream! But I have to keep hoping that some day we will be able to have a healthy baby of our own to care for. I have to because the alternative is NOT an option for me. I am here if you ever need someone to vent to, cry, scream, listen, whatever you need. We will have our chance some day and going through this experience will make us better mothers and more appreciative of what we have when we do get our precious babies. Thinking of you

FemminaDaVinci said...

One of my good friends got pregnant shortly after I did, and now I am pregnant, and she is not. I feel horribly guilty that I am still carrying a child, and she is not.

I cant begin to pretend to understand what you are going through, but I hope that you find comfort with yourself soon.