And now that I finally told my husband how I have been feeling since the miscarriage, maybe I should just get it all out there. I'm not okay. I'm STILL not okay. I feel ugly and I feel worthless and I feel REALLY stupid for feeling this way because I had a miscarriage. I haven't healed yet. I STILL miss our baby. I STILL cry when I see pictures of the ever growing baby bumps on the girls I was pregnant with. I STILL feel like it was my fault even though I KNOW it wasn't. This is the most complicated and terrifying thing I have ever been through. Every time I feel like I am getting better, I start my period and these feelings just intensify. As a matter of fact I had a total mental breakdown on Ryan last night. It felt good to get it out but again, I felt absolutely stupid. Not to mention Ryan knew he couldn't do anything to make it go away so all he could do is hold me and tell me that it wasn't my fault. It made me feel even worse knowing he knows he can't make me feel differently because I am an idiot and I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling and just went through it alone hoping and praying that it would get better and/or just go away. I long for peace of mind and some days I don't think I will get it until I have a healthy baby laying in my arms.
After starting my period this month, I decided I wasn't going to say we are trying anymore. If it happens, it happens. I can't deal with feeling this way month after month after month. It's KILLING me.