Shore Duty

It's been a while since I have talked about the Navy life. Funny since that's what this blog is supposed to be, right? Sorry guys. Life gets crazy and priorities change. We all know why mine did.

Anyway, shore duty has been absolutely amazing. Though, I have gotten so used to Ryan always being here that when he randomly has to be on duty overnight, I''m a mess. Not that I cry or anything silly like that, but, I get really lonely and I have a hard time sleeping. I seriously can't even imagine going back to a ship after this. 

Ryan's typical day goes 7-4. HOWEVER, there are times when he works nights which especially sucks because he has to leave for work around 1 or 2 (depending on what is happening that day) and he doesn't get home until 8 or 9, sometimes 10 (could be later, just won't know until that night). He actually has a night shift coming up here soon and he will be on nights for a couple weeks to a couple of months. It will be the longest he has been on nights and I'm super not looking forward to it.

Do I sound like a Navy wife again while I complain about when my husband is gone and when I get to see him and whatnot? Haha, seriously, we all know I got it good and I don't have any right to complain but I have been through the underways and deployments so it's about dang time I get to complain because he has one night of duty!

No more mental breakdowns...

For now, at least. I am trying so hard to be chill and just let this pregnancy do it's thing, but I just turn into a hormonal worry wart sometimes. Try as I might, when the worrying starts, it would take moving a mountain to get it to stop. I just freak out because I have all these symptoms and some days I feel them really bad but some days I don't really feel them at all and that's when I freak out.

The miscarriage I had was a missed miscarriage. Yes, there is such a thing as MISSING your miscarriage. Basically, the baby died but I showed ZERO symptoms and still had all the wacky hormones so I still showed the pregnancy symptoms I had been showing. Our baby died at 7 weeks and 1 day but I didn't show ANY symptoms of miscarriage until I was 11 weeks and 4 days. Then even after waiting 5 more days, I just spotted. The baby wouldn't come on it's own. I literally felt little contractions. It was the worst thing ever.

That is why I get so freaked out during this pregnancy. I worry that something will happen and I wont know and I will go on the next few weeks being happy that I'm pregnant for no reason. I'm scared to become a casket again. I have deep fears because of that first pregnancy but above all, I just want a healthy baby at the end of May.

Just, help me Lord. Please help me through this. Please bless us with the baby. And please help me find some peace.

Stress

This has to be the most stress I have ever felt. Since having a miscarriage, a missed miscarriage at that, it seems I am consumed with worry. I think the worry has so badly taken over my brain that it is now tricking my body into believing that I am not pregnant because I'm not feel many symptoms any more. Maybe I am, though. Sometimes my breasts will feel like they did before I got pregnant. Totally normal, no pain at all. Right now they are very tender to the touch. I was sick as a dog for like 4 or 5 days. I never puked but I felt like I was going to ALL DAY AND NIGHT for those 4 or 5 days and now I don't feel like that at all except for every once and a while I will feel a LITTLE nauseous.

I just have to tell myself it'll be ok. That everything is ok. I mean, the first day I didn't feel sick was the day I went to the dr and got my first ultrasound and heard the babies heartbeat so why should I worry so much?

I wish I could just stop. I don't even understand how some women can go through a pregnancy and not worry about their baby every step of the way, especially early on. I am a mess right now.

I know I need to chill out but sometimes these feelings are really intense and they have been that way for the past 2 days. I should probably take that as a good sign of my hormones being really high, but my brain isn't working that way right now.

I just wish it was time for that next appointment but I have right at 3 weeks before then so I really need to get it together. And that is the end of today's rant, lol.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Nails

I decided long ago that I wasn't going to blog about my nails anymore on this blog but I haven't even been blogging about my nails on my nail blog. Today's post is especially relevant to this blog anyway. Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day and I did a mani in rememberance of all the sweet babies born too soon, not born at all and those that went to be in heaven with Jesus before we even got the chance to get to know them well enough.

My personal story is this:

Ryan and I tried for only a month to get pregnant and I took a test after being one day late. That test came back positive and we were elated. At 11 weeks pregnant (just 5 days before I was supposed to go have an ultrasound) I started spotting. I tried really hard to not worry about it because I wasn't cramping or anything else so, I asked my best friend to take me to the er (Ryan was on duty) where I would find out our baby died at 7 weeks and 1 day. I was absolutely devastated. For the next 2 days, I cried my heart out. The first day, I couldn't even breathe. I didn't want to live. I walked around in a haze. I took percocet once every 4 hours even though I wasn't in physical pain.

For the next year, I cried almost every time I started my period. When I thought I was a little late for my period, I took a test just to ease my mind so I would start. The last time I did that, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. We tried for almost a year and as absolutely shocked and overcome with joy I am, I can't help but still mourn the loss of our first baby. I record videos for our baby and I always talk about his or her older brother/sister. I think it's important for our baby to know that it has an older sibling in heaven, even if he/she never got to meet him/her.

I am thinking of all the sweet babies in heaven today. If you lost a baby, you are being remembered, I promise. I will be lighting a few candles tonight as well for those who I know have lost a baby and one for those that I don't know.

RIP to our sweet angel baby 7.18.2011-9.4.2011

I'm just gonna leave this here :D

We have a heartbeat!!! We can HEAR a heartbeat. And it's STRONG!

To my little raspberry:

Today you are 7 weeks and 2 days and you have officially outlived your older brother/sister. I get nervous because of what happened with him/her. Everyone tells me to not worry about that and that they feel like this is the one but you know what? I started worrying about you before you even came to be and I will worry about you for the rest of my life. It's what mommies do. I'm having a really hard time eating because I am so sick but last night I ate buttered honey wheat bread (untoasted) and it was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. I ate FIVE pieces! For breakfast I am eating 3 pieces and I think I am only eating 3 because we are out. Anyway, I just have to say it, hang in there. Mommy and daddy need you. We love you to pieces and you aren't even in our arms yet.

Things I am thankful for:

This literally is just going to be a list so if you are already bored, move on. If you would love to see what I am currently thankful for, have a look see!

1) I have an absolutely wonderful husband who adores me and would do anything for our little family.

2) I have the most supportive and loving family ever. I will never ever take them for granted.

3) We have the sweetest, most adorable dog-ders ever! They light up our life and have been big helps through this TTC journey.

4) We own a home. We have a roof over our heads and how could you not be thankful for that?

5) A friend of mine text me this morning and asked if I wanted her maternity clothes. I about died when I saw the pile of clothes she was talking about. I got 27 shirts, 9 pairs of pants, 6 pairs of shorts, 4 dresses, 2 skirts and 2 pairs of comfy/pj pants plus a belly band. Seriously, I feel extremely blessed. I never expected anyone to give me this much stuff. I feel like it means something :)

6) We are finally pregnant with our rainbow baby and I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Our wonderful little raspberry has a heartbeat and we got to see it Friday! It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen and I pretty much bawled. I can still see it in my head! I can't wait for our 11 week appointment! I wanna see/possibly hear that little heartbeat again!

A few quick updates

I went to my group appointment this morning. The nurse almost made me cry 20 times by talking about the miscarriage. My 1st appointment is November 5th and I will be almost 11 weeks by then. I am already going nuts because of having to wait so long! I had absolutely no idea that I would have to wait that long. My last pregnancy wasn't like this. I was considered high risk because of cramping and light bleeding I had at the beginning of my pregnancy so I had my first ultrasound at 5 weeks and 5 days. Don't get me wrong, I am glad the baby will be bigger and the heartbeat will be fairly possible to hear and everything by then but I wish I could just sleep until then because I have absolutely no patience when it comes to knowing how my babys health is. I know it's normal to have these feelings but I feel like mine are so much more intense because of the miscarriage and my fear of miscarrying again. I just can't wait to see my precious baby.

Life these days:

The dogs are driving me crazy. I don't know if it's the hormones or if they really are just that annoying.

My pregnancy symptoms are as follows:
Tired all the time.
Nauseated from time to time.
Cramping.
Lower back pain.
Peeing once every half an hour to hour.
Super thirsty all the time.
and I have the worst taste in my mouth.

Ryan has been absolutely amazing through this. He has been waiting on me even though he knows I don't need him to. I think he is scared that something is going to happen again.

I can't wait to get through tomorrow! Wednesday morning is the group session where I fill out paperwork, get my blood work done and schedule my first official appointment! I hope to God that time flies while I wait for that appointment. I went crazy enough just waiting for this one. As long as I don't get a phone call from them between Wednesday and the first appointment all is well. Please pray that I don't get a phone call.