What just happened? It feels like he just left yesterday yet it has already been WEEKS. I can't say how many but just the fact that the word "week" is plural brings a crap ton of joy to my heart. Said heart has been mended with a band-aid for the time being and if everything goes right I will be able to talk to Ryan tomorrow. That's always the best thing ever while he's away.
Tomorrow I am going to mom and dad Dawsons for a couple of days. It'll be good for me. Being around his family and around more of his memories should bring some peace to my mind. I can't wait. Mom D and I will be swimming and waiting to talk to Ryan. We are stoked! Not sure what else is in store for the couple of days that I am there but it's sure to be a good time.
I think I have officially decided to try the trip home to Virginia all by myself. If I wait, I will miss my friends wedding and a birthday bash for my friend Jesse and me and it's also a getting out of the Navy party for our other friend. So I think I will head out of Indiana next Friday around 6 or 7 am (kill me now lol). Anyone that knows me knows that I suck really badly at getting up early on my own so I'm gonna have to rely on daddy to make sure I am up when he gets up.
Lastly I want to say, this PS speaks volumes to me.
As a Navy wife going through a deployment I am wounded and I will have a scar come next year.
A friend shared this on facebook and I want to share it with all my mil spouses.
A toast to you for falling apart & putting yourself back together because a paycheck isnt enough, a body pillow in your bed is no consolation & a web cam can never compare.This is for all of YOU no matter how easy or hard this was for you. Our Sailors are brave, they are heroes but so are we. So the next time someone tells you that they would never marry a military guy dont bother explaining to them that you cant control who you fall in love with, just think of this & nod your head, know that you are the stronger woman. Hold your heads up high, hang that flag in your front yard, stick 100 magnets on your car & then give yourself a pat on the back. Be proud to be the woman that you are, be proud to be a military wife.
I came to the realization today, while in church mind you (I know, shame on me) that deployment doesn't sound near as long when you count it in weeks. For example, if he's gone for 6 months, that sounds absolutely dreadful does it not? How about saying, he's gone for 24 weeks? I decided I was going to count down the weeks rather then the days or months. I had told myself before that there was no way I was going to count down the days because that is horrible when it comes to your loved one being gone for so long but if you count weeks, it seems so much shorter! I don't have 24 weeks :) At least not anymore! I wish I could say exactly how much time has gone by because I am rather excited that much time has came and went already. It didn't sound like much to me when I counted it in months but when I realized what an idiot I was being and figured out the weeks instead of months, it gave me hope that this isn't going to be quite as hard as I was letting it be.
Being here with my family has brought a lot of joy to my soul. We are extremely close and I just feel the love. I just hope I don't go back to Virginia with a heavy heart. I wan't my new found peace, hope and faith to tag along with me. Deployment is only as hard as you make it on yourself and I REFUSE for my sake and for my husbands sake to make this any harder then it needs to be. I guess it doesn't need to be hard at all but it's going to have it's moments that are hard for sure so might as well just deal with it.
I introduced Ryan to the world of blogging and now he blogs more then me! Well at least since he deployed. I like it :) I love reading his blogs. It gives me a small step into the mind that I can't be in while he's not here. It helps.
Today, let me say, was a GREAT DAY. For the first time since Ryan left, I have yet to feel sad, depressed or anything other then happy. I got... MY DREAM WEDDING DRESS!!! I'd love to post it here so everyone can see but Ryan reads my blog so I can't lol. Before anyone new asks, Ryan and I wanted to get married before he deployed so we had a small ceremony with the mayor of my hometown and a small party afterward. Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful. That was the day I gave my whole heart to the most amazing man on the planet and vice versa BUT I refuse to not have my big wedding. I have dreamed of a big wedding since I was a little girl. GOTTA HAVE IT. My dress was about 500 dollars more then my parents wanted to spend but I am going to help a little and on top of it all daddy couldn't seem to leave there without it today even though the wedding is in a little over 8 months. He got a Davids Bridal credit card just so I could have that dress and also put a gorgeous headband, the cloth bag for the dress and my jewelry on it. Geeze I sure do love my parents.
Now, I hope I don't come off wrong. I love Ryan and I miss him like crazy but I have been up NEAR cloud nine today. Cloud nine is reserved for Ryan so I'm not exactly there but I have been in such a good mood today. Mostly because I didn't give myself any time to sit around and mope. I know it will make Ryan happy knowing that I didn't have a terrible day today like some of these days have been. Having shared my lovely day with you all, I am off to bed. My sister and I are going to sing a song together in church tomorrow and I don't wanna be a hot mess lol.
Life has been pretty crazy lately. Some things have happened that I really wish hadn't have. As you all know, Ryan deployed last week. I hate it. I hate every minute of every day he is gone. But I'm a survivor and I'm gonna make it.
Saturday I drove to Indiana. I met my family at the halfway point in West Virginia at around 6 pm. It was really nice to see them and all I wanted was a big huge hug from my mommy. I needed it but we met at McDonalds and the last thing on earth I want to do in a public place is cry. I knew if I got that well needed hug I would bawl my eyes out. After we left there we went on to my uncles lake house in Southern Indiana. It took WAY longer then it should have to get there and we didn't arrive there until 2:30 am. All I could think the whole trip was, "I would have already been in Michigan City if I would have been with Ryan or would have just drove on my own". It drove me nuts with all the stopping we had to do. It only takes Ryan and I around 12 1/2 hours when we do the trip. It took like 6hours alone to get to my uncles house from Huntington, West Virginia! It was rediculous to say the least. We left my uncles lake house at around noon the next day and would you believe it took us like 7 hours to get home from there? A normal drive for Ryan and I is 4 hours from Southern Indiana. I love my family and I am very grateful that they met up with me but REALLY? Lol. It killed me. Not to mention I wasn't able to email Ryan the whole trip except for from my phone and that is a pain.
Good news is, Ryan has called me 3 times since he's been gone. Every time I hear his voice it's like the angels are singing. Then he has to go around 15 minutes into the converation and the black clouds cover my head again. That's how I have been feeling lately. Like I am walking around everywhere with black clouds over my head. Eeyore from Whinnie the Pooh best describes me these days... "Looks like it's gonna rain.", yep, that's me.
Monday Ryans mom met up with me at my parents and it took everything in me to not cry when I was with her. I see soo much of him in her now. It's crazy. At one point she was like "I haven't given you a hug yet!" and I thought to myself, "Ugh here come the tears", but I kept it together. She and I mailed out some stuff to him. A care package if you will. I was really excited to mail that out. I hope he gets it soon and loves it.
Night before last I went out with a few old friends. It was nice to see them but as the night progressed one of them told me that (one of my friends) her husband has been beating her. I wasn't sure if I believed it because frankly I didn't want to believe that one of my friends could do something like that. He was really drunk by the time we left so she drove. I was sitting in between them in the front because there wasn't room in the back and he turned the music all the way up so she turned it down. Then he turned it up again and she turned it back down. After that, he started swinging on her. He was hitting her right in front of me and I couldn't let that happen. I got in the middle of it and told him to stop and he hit me too. HE. hit. ME. Then he stopped swinging and punched their windshield twice, breaking it. Dropped me off and I begged her to come stay with me but she went home with him anyway. Yesterday afternoon I sent him a text that said only "She isn't the only one you hit last night" and finally about 8 hours later I got "I'm sorry" back. I said, "I can't be your friend anymore" and he said "I wish you didn't have to see the monster in me" so I only said one last thing, "I wish you didn't have it. Bye" and that was that. It KILLED me to have to go through that and it KILLS me that she wont call the cops or leave him. Noone deserves that, noone. Except maybe him...
So, I told Ryan about it and... Let's just say he was VERY upset. I felt bad for telling him but I also felt that as his wife, he should know. I'm not going to say what he had to say about the guy but let's just say, it wasn't pretty. He basically wished death on him. I ended up telling my mother in-law and when she and I got off the phone she told my father in-law. He called me and told me "That guy better find somewhere to hide" and said a whole lot of angry things. He doesn't stand for crap like that. I have never heard that tone is his voice before so I know he means business.
I spent the night with one of my best friends last night and it was nice to just get away, have a couple glasses of wine and just relax with her. She went to bed about a half an hour before me and after I heard from Ryan again I joined her. I slept in her bed with her and it felt nice. It was the first time I slept in a bed since Ryan left. Of course the odds of that happening again are slim unless I can get to her house again or I stay with another one of my girl friends one of these nights while he's away. Then again, noone can really take his place in the bed. His cuddles are awesome.
I got some good news that I think I may be able to share tomorrow or at least the next time I am on. No, the deployment isn't going to be any shorter so, no, I won't be seeing Ryan again sooner then I expected but trust me, when they are gone, this is something every woman looks forward to.
Before I go, I am going dress shopping Saturday! For the big wedding :) I can't wait for that!
I never thought I would have such a hard time doing dishes until I started doing them tonight. They needed to be done before Ryan deployed but I have been putting them off. BAD IDEA. More then half of them were his and I cried the whole time I was doing them. I felt like I was washing his memory away. I have been having THE HARDEST TIME cleaning things he left around the house because of that too. Doing the dishes tonight turned tonight into the hardest night I have had since he left. FYI when I say cried, I mean SOBBED. I think at one point snot started running out of my nose and I didn't even care. It was like I was a kid again throwing a fit.
I am leaving tomorrow morning to drive to Indiana to be with my family for a couple weeks and I am soo torn. I keep wishing I was leaving tonight instead but at the same time I am having a really hard time leaving our apartment. I wish I could just pack this place and take it with me. Tonight, for doing the dishes, I am a hot mess. And to think I was doing so good. Sighhhh...
Watching Ryan leave was THE. HARDEST. THING. I have ever had to do. We got kicked off the ship at 9 am. He left at 10 am and 1 hour and 20 minutes later I am still crying. He called me once but we only got to talk for 10-15 minutes because he had to use the bathroom in the middle of our conversation.
Here's pretty much how the morning went:
6:15 am: We woke up and I instantly felt like I had been hit by a bus. We got ready and was out the door around 6:30. Ran by McDonalds to pick up a couple Frappes and then picked up someone that needed a ride to the ship. Got to the ship around 7:15.
7:30 am: Liberty expired and it was time for us to spend our last hour and a half together for 6-8 months. It was pretty bittersweet. Somber if you will. It was nice to have that last bit of time with him but at the same time I just wanted it to be over so I could go home and cry. Like, REALLY cry. Cry like I had been wanting to the whole time I was on the ship with him and the whole time I was watching the ship leave. We got a few pictures and spent most of our time together smoking. At 8:52 we started our goodbye. I was off the ship a few minutes later but not before crying on Ryans shoulder and bearly being able to let him go. He walked me off the ship, gave me one last long hug and kiss and went back on the ship where I could no longer go. Noone could. I was one of the last people off the ship if not the last. It was the hardest thing I have ever done to let him go. It took everything in me.
9:00 am: I stood on that pier for what seemed like forever before the ship started moving away from it. It was pretty devastating. Random people kept talking to me and I think that is the only thing that kept me from bawling on the pier. So, I talked to randoms, watched the news people recording the "event" and stared at Ryan while taking pictures of him. We also texted and once I post some of those pictures you will see him texting me lol.
Somewhere around 10:00 am: The ship started moving and I started to lose it but managed to keep it together. I walked all the way to the end of the pier so I could watch until I couldn't make Ryan out anymore. It's like watching your heart break in slow motion. I stayed there until a little after 11:00 am. Once I couldn't see Ryan anymore, I couldn't bear to watch.
As soon as I got in the car I cried really hard. I cried all the way home. Though the car ride is only 10 minutes. I didn't even care what the people in the cars around me thought. Once I pulled into a parking spot at home the tears dried up. I made my "I got my big girl panties on" walk to our apartment but once I got inside woah was it SO on! I cried like it was my job and I was the CEO of crying. I cried until I got a massive headache (which I still have, by the way). About a half hour after I got home I got the call from Ryan. We talked for a while but it wasn't enough. He let me go to use the bathroom and ended the conversation with "I will try to call you back but if I dont get the chance I want you to know I love you and I will talk to you soon". I still hoped I'd get that call. Around 12:05 I got a text from him that said, "I'm losing signal :( I love you!" and I just threw my phone across the room after saying "I love you too!!!", I was soo upset but I didn't want to miss out on replying to him.
As I was writing that last sentence, Ryan got a little signal and called me! Thank God :) That however, ruined my whole train of thought.
Basically, I'm a wreck. Period. I am managing but things haven't fully sank in yet. It kind of just feels like he is at work. Come 4:30 or so and he doesn't call and isn't home it will defintely sink in.
Oh the bright side, my parents figured out a way to get me to Indiana for a couple weeks and I am really excited. It'll be nice to be there and away from this for a little bit. On top of that Betty from Life as a Sailors Girl is throwing a "Cheer Brittany Up" party Thursday night. She rocks. All of my friends here do. Thank God for them.
I don't care what anyones beliefs are but I stand firm by mine. I am a born and raised free Methodist. Basically we believe EVERYTHING in the Bible. God, Jesus, the whole shebang. I haven't been the best Christian in the world for the past few years but my faith has never faltered. I have always believed and nothing is going to change that. I am not here to preach, simply to give thanks.
Last night while we were in bed I prayed, I mean REALLY prayed, for the first time in a long time. It gave me a sense of relief and I haven't cried one time today. I was talking to a good friend and while we were talking I realized that it's nice to know there is someone out there that will love you unconditionally, no matter what you say or think. Someone that ALWAYS listens to you and will comfort you if you let them.
So, in my prayer last night I thanked Him for blessing me with Ryan. I thanked Him for all of the wonderful and positive people I have in my life and I asked Him for comfort in my time of need. I apologized for not talking to Him for so long and I told Him I love Him and as He already knows, my feelings about Him have never changed. He is my Father. I will NEVER be too proud to tell anyone that.
No matter which way you believe I just want you to know one thing. Even if God isn't that person for you, there will ALWAYS be that person out there that you can talk to when you need to. And if for some reason you can't find that person, look no further. I have a great set of eyes and ears and I will always be here.
It's just under the 1 week mark and I have been finding it really hard to not shed a tear in front of Ryan. I usually get it out while he's at work but sometimes my mind wanders while I watch him do random things around the house. I keep thinking, "This time next week I will be here all alone" and it gets my emotions going. In times like these you really think about the things you never really thought about or even recognized. For example, Ryan walking to the bathroom from the livingroom, pausing the movie or anything else so he doesn't miss a second of it. Talking together, laughing together and just BEING together. It's all going to be put at a hault next week.
I have found myself watching his every move. I don't want to miss anything he does. Everything he does now seems far too important to miss out on. You know, cause, this time next week I wont get to see him do those things for 6-8 months. I feel like my brain is mush right now. Usually I can blog my emotions no problem but after typing out only these 2 paragraphs, I feel emptied out.
We found something else out yesterday that is making things harder on me, on US. He wont be going to the Med anymore, which means FAR LESS port visits which means quite possibly no Skyping at all. We had full intentions of Skyping at any post he pulled into when he was going to be in the Med but now... He is going to a place far less safe. Let's call it the gulf. After he told me, I couldn't talk. I felt like I had no brain function for getting words out. All I wanted to do was cry but of course I didn't even do that. He just hugged me and asked me if I wanted to say anything and all I could do was shake my head no. When he got in the shower I immediately went outside and called my mom and cried. Ryan took a WAY shorter shower then usual and he came outside to sit with me and I had to hurry and wipe the tears but he saw them. We came right back inside afterward and as we were opening the door he hugged me and told me it was okay to cry in front of him. That almost made me bawl but I just said, "No it isn't." and we went inside so I could start dinner. After dinner we were watching Roswell and cuddling on the couch. I said something that made Ryan laugh and after he laughed he said "I am gonna miss you" and that almost brought me to tears again. As much as I want to hear that he will miss me, hearing him say it is like slamming into a brick wall. So much for my mind being empty lol.
I know I keep starting my blogs off on bad notes. I'm just quite depressed over here and my blog is my out. BUT I had the "blog hens" over on Monday night and we had a great night! We literally talked from 6 pm til 1 am! It was crazy! The "blog hens" include: Alisheau from A Sailors Mistress my bff Tia from Engaged to the Navy Marie from Life as a Sailors Girl and Christina from The Journey of a Navy Wife. We had a fantastic time and plan to have another get together very soon. These girls are kind of my rock. They help me through and I just thank God for bringing them into my life. I love you girls :)
On another positive note, I got my i.d. today so yay!
I don't even know where to start at this point. It has been almost 2 weeks since I have gotten the chance to blog. I have SO much to say.
We got to Indiana on Wednesday morning last week. Somewhere around 9 am. We fell asleep at 9:30 and woke back up at noon. We kind of chilled out for a little bit. Then, I called my mom.... My uncle had passed away in his sleep the night before. I was devastated. I fell to the ground and cried. Ryan ran over to me to find out what was wrong and I could bearly utter the words "my uncle died last night". I am getting emotional just thinking about it right now. He was supposed to be at my wedding. He wasn't supposed to die. His funeral was the day after our wedding and it was the first time I had seen him in about a year. It wasn't the way I was supposed to see him. Life really throws bombs at you sometimes...
I know I started this blog on a totally bummer note but let's get to the good stuff. WE ARE MARRIED! The wedding was perfect and beautiful and I bearly noticed anyone but Ryan. After the wedding we went down to the beach to snap some pictures and then everyone else headed to the party and Ryan and I went to check in to the bed and breakfast we were staying in that night then we headed to the party too. We got there and about 40 of our close relatives clapped and wolf whistled. It was exciting and embarrassing at the same time lol. So, got there, and found out the cake had melted... It looked like hell so I helped my sister fix it and it ended up looking pretty neat after that :) They made us do the garter thing and the first dance even though it wasn't our big wedding. The first dance was amazing. We danced to "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith, my eyes welled up with tears a couple times but for the most part we just smiled, sang and laughed. Now for the garter... Ryan had cuffs on per my families request (lol) THEN they said to blindfold him. I had no idea why but I just sat there and laughed anyway. Wellllllllll, my sister whispered in my ear to get up and I was replaced with my brother in law who pulled his shorts up in case Ryan actually touched him. Ryan bent his head in shame right between my brother in laws legs and my brother in law said "I can't do this" and got up and ran. It was really funny. Then they put me back there and all was said and done after about 5 minutes of Ryan trying to get my dress to stay up and it falling right back down every time.
The bed and breakfast we stayed at was amazing to say the least. We got there around 9 pm and started drinking champaigne. Ryan had one or 2 glasses and I cleared the rest while he drank his Jack and Dr Peppers. We sat in the double whirlpool for about an hour before we realized how sleepy it was making us since it was the first time we had really relaxed since we got to Indiana. Around 1 am or so, we were passed out. And yes,I DEFINATELY left some details out haha. Lets just say, we had unprotected sex for the first time ever that night.
Saturday was a rough day. My uncles funeral was beautiful but heartbreaking. I shook, I cried, I felt mentally drained. We had a nice lunch at a church in Michigan City afterwards with the friends and family. Ryan and I were pooped but we really wanted to go shopping at the outlit mall so we went to my parents place, changed into some casual clothes and headed out. After getting into an argument with a MAJORLY stupid beyotch in the parking lot we got a TON of stuff at Old Navy and Yankee Candle then went back to my parents and shortly later went out to eat with them. It was a great ending to a terrible start.
Fun time! We left Indiana to come back home to Virginia at around 5 pm and got here around 7 am. Ryan and I fell asleep around 8 am and at 8:30 got a phone call saying the apartment we were supposed to move into had some piping issues so we couldn't move there. We were given 2 other options and they both made me unhappy. NEITHER had dishwashers. SO we only got half an hour of sleep the day we moved. Of course we moved into one of the places without the dishwasher because we didn't have much choice. Ryan was already off the lease at the old place so we had nowhere else to go. So, we came to the new place, signed our lease (YAY!!!) and got back to the old place to start packing the UHAUL at around 12:30. We didn't get back to the new place until around 8:30 or so. It SUCKED. On top of it all I really wasn't much help with the heavier things because my feet were literally KILLING me. I could bearly walk. So I carried in the lighter things and set stuff up as it was being brought in. We still have a half a room full of boxes that need unpacked but we are getting there. We LOVE it here by the way!
We had a great housewarming/Ryans birthday party last night. It was really great and I was very refreshed after almost a year of thinking Ryans best friend hated me, he treated me like I deserved to be treated and even told Ryan something he already knows, that he got a good girl.
OH! I forgot to mention, yesterday morning Ryan had his cardiologist appointment. It left a massively bittersweet taste in my mouth. He is fine. Which means he can deploy. Which means in less then 2 weeks he will be gone. Just like that... gone. I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready. I cry when I'm by myself. I know I can do it but I dont want to have to do it, if that makes sense.
One last thing before I finish this crazy long blog, here is my song for the Navy:
We are the mistress, the Navy is the wife. Don't EVER forget that.
8.06.2010
6 our way to Ryans appointment to find out if his heart is healthy enough for him to deploy. Wish us luck.
6 Hey guys. We dont have internet quite yet. Gotta love blogger mobile! I have a TON of stuff to share with you no later then Tuesday. Right now we are on
I know I haven't blogged at all since we came to Indiana but I promise I will be writing a GIANT blog about all of the events that have taken place while we've been here soon and, yes, my last name is officially DAWSON :))
Navy wife. Mama to 2 crazy toddlers. Lover of life, my husband, girls, makeup and wine (also, whine). I currently am a stay at home wife and sell Scentsy. Loving this crazy life we live!
