In case you were wondering...

We are doing OK. Just okay. Really, I am a mess. My husband isn't doing so good either. Today he tells me people are talking to him about it left and right on the ship and I just wish for him that they would stop.

So basically, this has been hell week. Not only did I have a miscarriage, it was a MISSED miscarriage. We went in Monday for me to have my D and C only to find out that the clinic was closed and the people at the emergency room scheduled me to go in on the wrong day. So, we went home, with heavy hearts and total mental defeat. I started having worse cramps (contractions from what I understand) and bleeding that night and prepared myself for potentially finishing the miscarriage at home. I couldn't handle that. I just wanted the D and C and for it to be over with. Luckily, it held off.

Yesterday we woke up super early and called the clinic only to find out my appointment had actually been scheduled for yesterday. Same time and everything. The emergency room had told me the wrong date. They even put the wrong date on the discharge papers. So, we went in for my appointment at 9 am. They did an ultrasound and saw the empty sac. Come to find out, I had actually miscarried at 7 weeks and 1 day. Yesterday I would have been 11 weeks and 2 days. Our angel baby had been dead inside of me for 3 1/2 weeks. To add insult to injury the emergency room had told me that appointment would be for me to have the D and C but we found out while at the appointment that I had to get an appointment for the OR to have it done. After the dr walked out of the room to see when the earliest appointment was available, I cried. The thought of having to leave and potentially finish this at home before I got the D and C killed me. Finally, the dr came back in the room and said what I thought she would say, they didn't have an opening until Monday. I was ready to cry again and just give up and prepare myself for this to happen at home until she said "BUT there is another option". Come to find out, we could get put on a waiting list and have it done on that day. We just had to wait until a room/surgeon was available. She told us it could run late into the night but I personally didn't care. We got put on the list.

I then had to go get blood work done. Ryan waited with me for the blood work for around 15 minutes but he had to leave to go to the ship and let them know what was going on because no one was getting back to him when he tried to contact them on the phone. I waited a total of almost an hour before I finally got the blood work done. Then I went and checked in with the OR. Apparently they had already tried calling for me 2 times before they got me checked in. When they called the 3rd time, they took me back to prep me for the surgery.

It took no time at all for them to get me back and Ryan wasn't able to be there until an hour or so after they took me so I didn't get to see him until after they had done the surgery. The reality of it all sank in when I went to use the bathroom and saw the blood. Our baby was officially gone. I was no longer pregnant. It was over. I had officially been there for 8 hours by the time I was discharged.

I don't know if you guys know this but Ryan wasn't there when I found out I had lost the baby. He was on duty on the ship. My best friend had to call the ship to get in contact with him and he picked me up from her house around 5:30 am when he was finally able to get off the ship after talking to a number of people trying to get out of there. Now, today, when I am recovering from surgery, he has to be on the ship for duty again. Luckily my best friend came over to be with me since I was supposed to have an adult with me for 24 hours after the surgery. She left around 5 pm so I have been alone since then.

I have hardly bled since yesterday but I am cramping a bit. I'm not sure if hardly bleeding is a good sign or not so I am going to call my dr in the morning to find out.

This is the hardest part. The mental recovery. It has proven to be incredibly hard to cope with this loss. And so hard to know that we cant ttc again for at least 3 months. We are just taking this one day at a time now.


chambanachik said...

Hope this season of your life is over quickly, and you're moving forward to better things. <3

Delainey said...

I am so sorry. I couldn't even imagine. But you are in my thoughts and this is just a part of life you were destined to go through, everything will work its self out.


Amber said...

You are in my daily thoughts and prayers sweetie. I can not fathom the pain you're going through, nor the exhaustion you must be feeling.

My SIL also went through this, she lost the baby at 10 weeks and didn't find out until 15 weeks while they were looking for the heart beat; I know it doesn't help to know other women have gone through this as well, but I just want you to know it's NOT you/Ryan.

It may be God's way of saying "not now" or maybe it's something else - no one knows. I just hope you know you're both thought of and loved every day and that you'll have the strength to try again when you're ready.

So many thoughts, hugs, and prayers your way!

Dawn Chandler said...

One of the hardest parts of losing your precious baby is the waiting. Waiting for your body to heal, waiting to try again, waiting, waiting, waiting. Wrap yourself in the company of positive friends who encourage and lift you up rather than those who tell you to "get over it." Seek out those who understand and have been through it if possible. I hear your heart. I am so very very sorry.

Cheyla Marie said...

I'm so very sorry to hear about this. You and your family will be in my prayers.