It's been so long since I have felt like I NEEDED to write. I need to write more now then I ever have. On July 18th, we found out the most amazing news, I was pregnant after trying to conceive for just a little more then a month. We were ecstatic! Life was only getting better & we got to see our little sweet pea at the young gestational age of 5 weeks and 5 days. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. It may have just been a sack but to me it was our baby. A miracle. A gift from God. The greatest blessing any person can receive.
At 11 weeks and 4 days Ryan was on duty and I was at my best friends house for the night. We were having a good night hanging out. I took a break to use the bathroom for the millionth time and as I wiped I saw something I didn't expect to see for a long time: blood. I was lightly spotting. I rushed and told my best friend to please take me to the emergency room. After spending 4 1/2 surprisingly fun and amusing hours in the emergency room, the doctor finally came back in the room and said, "I have some bad news...". I immediately started sobbing before he could even say the words. Our precious baby had become an angel 1-2 weeks ago. I am our angel babys casket. Tomorrow is our angels funeral. I am scheduled to have a D&C tomorrow morning at 9:30 am. I don't think I will ever be ready for it.
I can't begin to describe this feeling. The mental anguish is overwhelming. I can't help but wonder, why us? This isn't fair on any level. We wanted a baby. We tried for a baby. We are perfectly capable of caring for a baby. Mostly, we DESERVE a baby. I understand. I really do. I would rather our baby be an angel then live with something terribly wrong. That's no life to live and I don't want that for our baby. But, still, I can't seem to grasp this. I don't think I ever will.
Rest in Peace our sweet angel. Mommy and daddy will see you again some day <3