9.30.2011
9.29.2011
My song
And the winner is... Hope! Because I love her so much and this song means a lot to me lately.
9.28.2011
Shame on me
I have been so wrapped up in my own little world that I didn't realize I had been breaking a golden rule for following blogs: Actually reading the blogs I follow ALONG WITH commenting on them. I have so many people that comment on my posts and some of the blogs I follow don't even get one comment on them. I remember being there and thinking, am I writing to the air? I have a diary so I didn't start writing a blog to get my thoughts out. I started my blog so people could read certain thoughts. Humph!
Then I joined in on some blog link ups and blog contests and before I knew it, had close to 100 followers.
I wish the same for all my blog friends! It's never fun to write a blog and no one post their thoughts on it so from now on I am going to comment no matter what the blog was about. I am sorry for being such a bad follower!
Then I joined in on some blog link ups and blog contests and before I knew it, had close to 100 followers.
I wish the same for all my blog friends! It's never fun to write a blog and no one post their thoughts on it so from now on I am going to comment no matter what the blog was about. I am sorry for being such a bad follower!
9.25.2011
Inspiration through music
This has been one of my inspirational lines lately: Whether you fall means nothing at all. It's whether you get up <3
I have been trying to find sources of inspiration through the miscarriage. Talking to people hasn't seemed to be helping so I have come to realize I have to fight this myself because I am the reason. I am why people aren't getting through to me. However, music is my outlet. I need it to get me through the rainy days. I can't imagine life without music. I love everyone who has been trying to help me, trust me when I say that. All of your kind words and prayers have not been ignored. I appreciate all of them. Even if the words didn't help, knowing so many people care, did. Please don't take offense when I say people aren't helping. I just have a serious defense mechanism because of my past and I have had to get through some really hard times all. by. myself. Me and music, that's all I had at one point. That, I believe, is the only reason I turn to music instead of people. I don't even know if I am making sense right now because I am sick and I am tired but I hope I am and I hope I didn't offend anyone. I love you guys.
On another note, a possum has been hanging out on our back porch lately and I so don't like it. Those things are stinking ugly and I'm scared if I go back there he's going to attack me. AND I am scared to open the sliding door. If that thing came in our house I would just die!
9.23.2011
I get a little bit stronger
"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of pain but I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger."
"Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt so I turned on the radio. Stupid song made me think of you. I listened to it for a minute, but then I changed it. I'm getting a little bit stronger. Just a little bit stronger"
"I know my heart will never be the same but I'm telling myself I'll be okay. Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger"
This song describes a bit of how I have been feeling lately. Not about Ryan, about the miscarriage. It still hurts, A LOT, but, every day, I get a little bit stronger.
9.22.2011
Our Story in Pictures
In the beginning was one boy and one girl:
New years 2009
New years day *2010*
St. Patricks day 2010
My sleepy head <3 March 2010
Our first extended period of time apart as a couple. Joint Warrior March-May 2010.
And the end of that 2 month underway!!! May 2010.
Photo op! May 2010.
Taken shortly before my Sailor changed my life May 31, 2010 <3
Taken the day after I said yes! June 1st, 2010
A few of my favorites from our engagement photoshoot <3
Loveeeeeee
Our photographer did such an awesome job!
Kissesssssss
You can't catch me! June 7, 2010
Our engagement announcement. June 2010.
Random photo op! July 2010.
Husband and wife! July 31, 2010 <3
7.31.2010
Wedding night! No we aren't naked, unless you remove the towels lol <3
Busch Gardens August 2010.
Kiss sammich! Lol. Ryans birthday party/housewarming party August 2010.
The day before deployment. August 16, 2010.
D Day. Look how good we faked being happy! Haha. August 17, 2010.
Pardon me while I fast forward 6 freaking months.................................
HOMECOMING!!!!! 2.16.2011 <3
Patiently waiting for the ship to pull in!
This is my "Uhmmmm... Everyone and their mother is off the ship, WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?!" face lol.
Our first hug in 6 months!
Our first kiss in 6 months!
This is what TRUE HAPPINESS looks like =D
<3 So happy!
So happy to be together again <3
We went to DC for a short getaway when he got back. This is the Iwo Jima memorial <3
Feb. 2011 photo op!
A few of my favorite from a photoshoot we did in March 2011
Feeling like kids again <3
Hahaha I'm happy he's sad, just like the masks :p
<3
L-O-V-E
My fave <3
St. Patricks day 2011
At our friends hockey game in May of 2011
At Patriotic Fest Va. Beach ocean front seeing Darius Rucker in June 2011.
The BIG wedding 5.31.2011 (1 year after we got engaged)
My daddy walking me down to my Sailor <3
Lighting the unity candle
We're married... AGAIN! Lol.
<3
July 18th, our lives were changed by this test <3
At 5 weeks and 5 days we got to see our baby for the first and last time :'( RIP Angel Baby
North Carolina September 17th.
Well, that's our story in a nutshell right now. We are trying our best to move forward with our lives and we can't wait until we can start trying to get pregnant again. We mostly can't wait until God blesses us with a healthy baby *hopefully* next year <3
9.19.2011
Oh no!
We went to North Carolina Thursday to visit some friends and wouldn't you know I missed my blogaversary! I am so sad! This is like the 3rd year in a row that I missed it!
On a better note, we had a great time in North Carolina. Made new friends, sold some stuff at a garage sale and enjoyed a bonfire on a chilly, windy night before coming back. It was nice to get away from all the craziness here for a few days and have some r&r. My mental state needed a change of pace so it was just what the dr ordered.
I'm still not up to par but hey, as of tomorrow hubby and I can officially be "active" again which is something I have totally been missing. It's waaaaayyyyy different when he is gone because well, he's gone, so we can't. But him being home and us not being allowed to was so much harder! Every night we went to bed I hated life! I'm sure my next post will be a bit on the happier side.
I just can't wait to start trying again in a couple of months. My first normal period needs to start (yeah, I WANT my period to start) so I can have another one or 2 and we can get back in the game.
On a better note, we had a great time in North Carolina. Made new friends, sold some stuff at a garage sale and enjoyed a bonfire on a chilly, windy night before coming back. It was nice to get away from all the craziness here for a few days and have some r&r. My mental state needed a change of pace so it was just what the dr ordered.
I'm still not up to par but hey, as of tomorrow hubby and I can officially be "active" again which is something I have totally been missing. It's waaaaayyyyy different when he is gone because well, he's gone, so we can't. But him being home and us not being allowed to was so much harder! Every night we went to bed I hated life! I'm sure my next post will be a bit on the happier side.
I just can't wait to start trying again in a couple of months. My first normal period needs to start (yeah, I WANT my period to start) so I can have another one or 2 and we can get back in the game.
9.12.2011
Never ending
7 days have passed since I first wrote about the miscarriage but the feeling of devastation still lingers. It is all still very real. I have so much sadness, hatred, anger and jealousy built up. Every time one of my friends talks about their baby, posts a picture of their baby or talks about their pregnancy or posts pictures of their most recent ultrasound, I want to delete them. I feel like it is rubbed in my face every day, "Ha, ha! You aren't pregnant anymore and I am".... I know this isn't true, it's just what it feels like. It just doesn't feel like it's ever going to get better. It doesn't feel like the pain and anger will ever go away.
I can't even come close to explaining the pain. Words could never describe it. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to move on. Mostly, I don't know how I could possibly be comfortable in another pregnancy. I feel like I am going to worry constantly that this is going to happen again. This hurts so much. I can't imagine going through it again.
I can't even come close to explaining the pain. Words could never describe it. I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to move on. Mostly, I don't know how I could possibly be comfortable in another pregnancy. I feel like I am going to worry constantly that this is going to happen again. This hurts so much. I can't imagine going through it again.
9.08.2011
Super cute giveaway
I strolled over to The Mommyhood Adventure today after realizing she was doing a giveaway cuz of course I just HAD TO check it out like I always do. Her giveaway is digital scrapbooking software worth $39 and I want it OH-SO bad. Go check it out. It's totally easy to enter and ends at 12:00 am on September 16th, 2 days after my birthday. That would be such a cool birthday present.
My song
Because sometimes I need to realize I have someone holding me in my time of need even when I am all alone.
I thank God that I can feel his presence when there is no one around to hold me, especially now.
Go link up with Goodnight Moon and share your song.
9.07.2011
In case you were wondering...
We are doing OK. Just okay. Really, I am a mess. My husband isn't doing so good either. Today he tells me people are talking to him about it left and right on the ship and I just wish for him that they would stop.
So basically, this has been hell week. Not only did I have a miscarriage, it was a MISSED miscarriage. We went in Monday for me to have my D and C only to find out that the clinic was closed and the people at the emergency room scheduled me to go in on the wrong day. So, we went home, with heavy hearts and total mental defeat. I started having worse cramps (contractions from what I understand) and bleeding that night and prepared myself for potentially finishing the miscarriage at home. I couldn't handle that. I just wanted the D and C and for it to be over with. Luckily, it held off.
Yesterday we woke up super early and called the clinic only to find out my appointment had actually been scheduled for yesterday. Same time and everything. The emergency room had told me the wrong date. They even put the wrong date on the discharge papers. So, we went in for my appointment at 9 am. They did an ultrasound and saw the empty sac. Come to find out, I had actually miscarried at 7 weeks and 1 day. Yesterday I would have been 11 weeks and 2 days. Our angel baby had been dead inside of me for 3 1/2 weeks. To add insult to injury the emergency room had told me that appointment would be for me to have the D and C but we found out while at the appointment that I had to get an appointment for the OR to have it done. After the dr walked out of the room to see when the earliest appointment was available, I cried. The thought of having to leave and potentially finish this at home before I got the D and C killed me. Finally, the dr came back in the room and said what I thought she would say, they didn't have an opening until Monday. I was ready to cry again and just give up and prepare myself for this to happen at home until she said "BUT there is another option". Come to find out, we could get put on a waiting list and have it done on that day. We just had to wait until a room/surgeon was available. She told us it could run late into the night but I personally didn't care. We got put on the list.
I then had to go get blood work done. Ryan waited with me for the blood work for around 15 minutes but he had to leave to go to the ship and let them know what was going on because no one was getting back to him when he tried to contact them on the phone. I waited a total of almost an hour before I finally got the blood work done. Then I went and checked in with the OR. Apparently they had already tried calling for me 2 times before they got me checked in. When they called the 3rd time, they took me back to prep me for the surgery.
It took no time at all for them to get me back and Ryan wasn't able to be there until an hour or so after they took me so I didn't get to see him until after they had done the surgery. The reality of it all sank in when I went to use the bathroom and saw the blood. Our baby was officially gone. I was no longer pregnant. It was over. I had officially been there for 8 hours by the time I was discharged.
I don't know if you guys know this but Ryan wasn't there when I found out I had lost the baby. He was on duty on the ship. My best friend had to call the ship to get in contact with him and he picked me up from her house around 5:30 am when he was finally able to get off the ship after talking to a number of people trying to get out of there. Now, today, when I am recovering from surgery, he has to be on the ship for duty again. Luckily my best friend came over to be with me since I was supposed to have an adult with me for 24 hours after the surgery. She left around 5 pm so I have been alone since then.
I have hardly bled since yesterday but I am cramping a bit. I'm not sure if hardly bleeding is a good sign or not so I am going to call my dr in the morning to find out.
This is the hardest part. The mental recovery. It has proven to be incredibly hard to cope with this loss. And so hard to know that we cant ttc again for at least 3 months. We are just taking this one day at a time now.
So basically, this has been hell week. Not only did I have a miscarriage, it was a MISSED miscarriage. We went in Monday for me to have my D and C only to find out that the clinic was closed and the people at the emergency room scheduled me to go in on the wrong day. So, we went home, with heavy hearts and total mental defeat. I started having worse cramps (contractions from what I understand) and bleeding that night and prepared myself for potentially finishing the miscarriage at home. I couldn't handle that. I just wanted the D and C and for it to be over with. Luckily, it held off.
Yesterday we woke up super early and called the clinic only to find out my appointment had actually been scheduled for yesterday. Same time and everything. The emergency room had told me the wrong date. They even put the wrong date on the discharge papers. So, we went in for my appointment at 9 am. They did an ultrasound and saw the empty sac. Come to find out, I had actually miscarried at 7 weeks and 1 day. Yesterday I would have been 11 weeks and 2 days. Our angel baby had been dead inside of me for 3 1/2 weeks. To add insult to injury the emergency room had told me that appointment would be for me to have the D and C but we found out while at the appointment that I had to get an appointment for the OR to have it done. After the dr walked out of the room to see when the earliest appointment was available, I cried. The thought of having to leave and potentially finish this at home before I got the D and C killed me. Finally, the dr came back in the room and said what I thought she would say, they didn't have an opening until Monday. I was ready to cry again and just give up and prepare myself for this to happen at home until she said "BUT there is another option". Come to find out, we could get put on a waiting list and have it done on that day. We just had to wait until a room/surgeon was available. She told us it could run late into the night but I personally didn't care. We got put on the list.
I then had to go get blood work done. Ryan waited with me for the blood work for around 15 minutes but he had to leave to go to the ship and let them know what was going on because no one was getting back to him when he tried to contact them on the phone. I waited a total of almost an hour before I finally got the blood work done. Then I went and checked in with the OR. Apparently they had already tried calling for me 2 times before they got me checked in. When they called the 3rd time, they took me back to prep me for the surgery.
It took no time at all for them to get me back and Ryan wasn't able to be there until an hour or so after they took me so I didn't get to see him until after they had done the surgery. The reality of it all sank in when I went to use the bathroom and saw the blood. Our baby was officially gone. I was no longer pregnant. It was over. I had officially been there for 8 hours by the time I was discharged.
I don't know if you guys know this but Ryan wasn't there when I found out I had lost the baby. He was on duty on the ship. My best friend had to call the ship to get in contact with him and he picked me up from her house around 5:30 am when he was finally able to get off the ship after talking to a number of people trying to get out of there. Now, today, when I am recovering from surgery, he has to be on the ship for duty again. Luckily my best friend came over to be with me since I was supposed to have an adult with me for 24 hours after the surgery. She left around 5 pm so I have been alone since then.
I have hardly bled since yesterday but I am cramping a bit. I'm not sure if hardly bleeding is a good sign or not so I am going to call my dr in the morning to find out.
This is the hardest part. The mental recovery. It has proven to be incredibly hard to cope with this loss. And so hard to know that we cant ttc again for at least 3 months. We are just taking this one day at a time now.
9.04.2011
And then there were 2
It's been so long since I have felt like I NEEDED to write. I need to write more now then I ever have. On July 18th, we found out the most amazing news, I was pregnant after trying to conceive for just a little more then a month. We were ecstatic! Life was only getting better & we got to see our little sweet pea at the young gestational age of 5 weeks and 5 days. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. It may have just been a sack but to me it was our baby. A miracle. A gift from God. The greatest blessing any person can receive.
At 11 weeks and 4 days Ryan was on duty and I was at my best friends house for the night. We were having a good night hanging out. I took a break to use the bathroom for the millionth time and as I wiped I saw something I didn't expect to see for a long time: blood. I was lightly spotting. I rushed and told my best friend to please take me to the emergency room. After spending 4 1/2 surprisingly fun and amusing hours in the emergency room, the doctor finally came back in the room and said, "I have some bad news...". I immediately started sobbing before he could even say the words. Our precious baby had become an angel 1-2 weeks ago. I am our angel babys casket. Tomorrow is our angels funeral. I am scheduled to have a D&C tomorrow morning at 9:30 am. I don't think I will ever be ready for it.
I can't begin to describe this feeling. The mental anguish is overwhelming. I can't help but wonder, why us? This isn't fair on any level. We wanted a baby. We tried for a baby. We are perfectly capable of caring for a baby. Mostly, we DESERVE a baby. I understand. I really do. I would rather our baby be an angel then live with something terribly wrong. That's no life to live and I don't want that for our baby. But, still, I can't seem to grasp this. I don't think I ever will.
Rest in Peace our sweet angel. Mommy and daddy will see you again some day <3
At 11 weeks and 4 days Ryan was on duty and I was at my best friends house for the night. We were having a good night hanging out. I took a break to use the bathroom for the millionth time and as I wiped I saw something I didn't expect to see for a long time: blood. I was lightly spotting. I rushed and told my best friend to please take me to the emergency room. After spending 4 1/2 surprisingly fun and amusing hours in the emergency room, the doctor finally came back in the room and said, "I have some bad news...". I immediately started sobbing before he could even say the words. Our precious baby had become an angel 1-2 weeks ago. I am our angel babys casket. Tomorrow is our angels funeral. I am scheduled to have a D&C tomorrow morning at 9:30 am. I don't think I will ever be ready for it.
I can't begin to describe this feeling. The mental anguish is overwhelming. I can't help but wonder, why us? This isn't fair on any level. We wanted a baby. We tried for a baby. We are perfectly capable of caring for a baby. Mostly, we DESERVE a baby. I understand. I really do. I would rather our baby be an angel then live with something terribly wrong. That's no life to live and I don't want that for our baby. But, still, I can't seem to grasp this. I don't think I ever will.
Rest in Peace our sweet angel. Mommy and daddy will see you again some day <3
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