I can honestly say that I didn't see this coming. My heart hurts. It hurts bad. I want my family here. I wish I could call my mom to go with me to the hospital when I worry. I wish I didn't have to hope someone else will go with me when Ryan has to work early in the morning and I don't want him to have to miss sleep unless it's really important.
It hurt me so badly the night before last to go to Labor and Delivery alone to make sure everything was ok. I had a brown discharge and it scared me. I called my mom on my way to the hospital and she assured me that I had made the right decision. That brings me to this: I wish I had my mom here like the rest of my siblings do. I hope they never take her being around for granted. They will never know what it's like to only be able to talk to her on the phone when they need her. I am so jealous that they can call her and she will be there.
They call me "mom's favorite" because she talks to me a lot and talks about me a lot but that's because I'm not there like they are. They will never know the pain of not being sure if your parents will make it for your child's birth (if she is born early and quickly, I mean). They will never know the pain of knowing your child won't be able to be around their Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents. It's killer.
These are some of my emotions and feeling in text:
I posted this on facebook after I realized I was really, truly sad. It shocked me. I got some responses and these are my replies to them.
Apparently I really miss my mommy. Sigh.
At the end of the day yesterday, Ryan saw what I had said on Facebook and it made him feel terrible. He apologized for not going with and said he should have gone after I told him not to worry about it. I didn't even ask him to go because he had to work early and he had the understanding that I would call if something was wrong and he would come.
I've just had an eye opening experience and it's sticking to me like syrup on clothes. I know I'll be okay, it's just going to take some time.