Whether You Fall - Tracy Bonham

SUCH a beautiful song! Love this girl!!!

I realize now how much I missed out on!

How could just sitting here watching tv with him be the most perfect thing to do on a Tuesday night? How can I miss him when he is just in the other room. He's beautiful :-]

The move to Virginia

I had previously said that the move to Virginia could either be the biggest mistake of my life or the best thing I ever did and man was I ever right. THE DAY I moved back here my best male friend and I became a couple. We are a month and a week strong as of now. Things are just perfect. Too perfect if you ask us. I'd say our biggest downfall would be worrying that we are going to screw this up. I just couldnt handle that. I couldnt handle losing him. I even had to think about whether it would be a good idea or not for us to take our beautiful friendship to this level even though the feelings and emotions were all for it. The brain reconsidered because of the simple fact that there is no GOOD way out of this. Nothing but bad could come of this. Then again, nothing but GOOD could come of this as well. I'm hoping for the good. He is an amazing man. More amazing now then I ever really realized. I understand now why God put me through so much heartbreak last year. I understand why EVERY sign pointed back to Virginia. I understand what it is I love about this place. It's him. In a way I think it always has been. Even in my darkest days here, he always made things better. He always took care of me mentally and emotionally when I didn't even want to fake a smile like I so often did the last time I lived here. I KNEW things wouldnt work out between my ex and I but I dont know how to end in defeat so I just let it continue until that man had broken every ounce of my entire being. Then came Lawrence and as much as I hate to admit it, I was dumb to think that I really loved him the way I thought I did. Not that I didnt love him, because I definately did. But for all of the wrong reasons. He was the first man I ever pictured in my future. The first man I ever thought I'd actually marry. The first man who actually wanted to marry me, or so I thought. I loved him because he showed me all the things I wanted. I loved him because he was one of my best friends. He still is. I am SO happy that we are friends and we didnt let that little bump in the road make things weird for our friendship. I realize now that I was going crazy, not because he and I werent together, but because I was single. I have never been able to deal with being single. He was the last man to make me feel wanted, needed, loved, so naturally my heart and mind thought he was what I wanted and the reason I was feeling so depressed on a regular basis when now, I look back at my old posts and wonder what on earth I was thinking. Ryan, oh Ryan, he is THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I do NOT say that about ANYONE. I never once have before. Not ONCE! Let me put things right out there, everything that man does, he does for US not for him. A lot of the time he does it for just ME. He takes care of me in ways I have never been cared for and he does it with all of his heart. He looks at me and tells me I'm pretty just because he can and that's what he's thinking. He kisses me with a fiery passion that ONLY someone who loves you could show. He makes sure I have everything I need, even "girly time of the month" things. He smiles EVERY time he looks at me [as do I every time I look at him]. He bought me a dozen red roses a week after we became official which is more then I can say for the others. He wants everyone to know that he is with me. He shows me off like I am some sort of grand prize and he tells me often how lucky he feels to have me. If this isnt too good to be true [at least in theory] I dont think I will ever know what is.