Whether You Fall - Tracy Bonham

SUCH a beautiful song! Love this girl!!!

I realize now how much I missed out on!

How could just sitting here watching tv with him be the most perfect thing to do on a Tuesday night? How can I miss him when he is just in the other room. He's beautiful :-]

The move to Virginia

I had previously said that the move to Virginia could either be the biggest mistake of my life or the best thing I ever did and man was I ever right. THE DAY I moved back here my best male friend and I became a couple. We are a month and a week strong as of now. Things are just perfect. Too perfect if you ask us. I'd say our biggest downfall would be worrying that we are going to screw this up. I just couldnt handle that. I couldnt handle losing him. I even had to think about whether it would be a good idea or not for us to take our beautiful friendship to this level even though the feelings and emotions were all for it. The brain reconsidered because of the simple fact that there is no GOOD way out of this. Nothing but bad could come of this. Then again, nothing but GOOD could come of this as well. I'm hoping for the good. He is an amazing man. More amazing now then I ever really realized. I understand now why God put me through so much heartbreak last year. I understand why EVERY sign pointed back to Virginia. I understand what it is I love about this place. It's him. In a way I think it always has been. Even in my darkest days here, he always made things better. He always took care of me mentally and emotionally when I didn't even want to fake a smile like I so often did the last time I lived here. I KNEW things wouldnt work out between my ex and I but I dont know how to end in defeat so I just let it continue until that man had broken every ounce of my entire being. Then came Lawrence and as much as I hate to admit it, I was dumb to think that I really loved him the way I thought I did. Not that I didnt love him, because I definately did. But for all of the wrong reasons. He was the first man I ever pictured in my future. The first man I ever thought I'd actually marry. The first man who actually wanted to marry me, or so I thought. I loved him because he showed me all the things I wanted. I loved him because he was one of my best friends. He still is. I am SO happy that we are friends and we didnt let that little bump in the road make things weird for our friendship. I realize now that I was going crazy, not because he and I werent together, but because I was single. I have never been able to deal with being single. He was the last man to make me feel wanted, needed, loved, so naturally my heart and mind thought he was what I wanted and the reason I was feeling so depressed on a regular basis when now, I look back at my old posts and wonder what on earth I was thinking. Ryan, oh Ryan, he is THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I do NOT say that about ANYONE. I never once have before. Not ONCE! Let me put things right out there, everything that man does, he does for US not for him. A lot of the time he does it for just ME. He takes care of me in ways I have never been cared for and he does it with all of his heart. He looks at me and tells me I'm pretty just because he can and that's what he's thinking. He kisses me with a fiery passion that ONLY someone who loves you could show. He makes sure I have everything I need, even "girly time of the month" things. He smiles EVERY time he looks at me [as do I every time I look at him]. He bought me a dozen red roses a week after we became official which is more then I can say for the others. He wants everyone to know that he is with me. He shows me off like I am some sort of grand prize and he tells me often how lucky he feels to have me. If this isnt too good to be true [at least in theory] I dont think I will ever know what is.

There comes a certain point in ones life when you sit back a think, "What do I really have going for myself here?".
That's basically where I am in my life.
Going back to Virginia could be either the best thing I have ever done or the biggest mistake I have ever made.
I'm hoping for a happy medium or the best.
I'm tired of being jobless, single, carless and having to rely on my parents to get me by.
I want to feel independent again.
I want to explore my possibilities of finding REAL love.
I want to be somewhere that the sun shines more then it doesnt.
I want to stand on the beach and feel the wind blowing through my hair again.
I want to tan while everyone else goes in the water because I am scared to death of sharks, not to mention I dont want to have to get peed on by anyone and jellyfish are all over the place in that water.
I want to be able to see my best friend whenever she and I have time again and not whenever she or I gets the chance to go 14 hours away.
I want to feel alive again.

Now, a lot of people already know, but none of them have acted as selfish and uncaring as a certain supposed female "friend" of mine.
Here's what she has to say about me moving:
"I dont care. Go. I'm so over it. I'm over trying to make time for you. You always have something better to do. Dont worry about the concerts. See you when I see you."
My reply:
"Ah, ok. This your way of making me feel like shit for wanting to be happy and making it easier on youself in the process? I told you to call me this week so we could hang and you never did"
Her:
"Why do I have to call? I always call. It'd be nice to know I'm wanted for once. But, I'm not fighting with you. It's stupid. Later."

******Let me take a time out to remind everyone that I dont have a job and she does so that is*******
********why I asked her to call. Not because I dont care about her or because I'm too busy*********

My reply:
"I think I have you figured out. As long as you are happy it's perfectly ok for me to be miserable"
Her:
"If that's what you want to believe Miss Martyr. I'm happy with my life regardless of you being in it or not. As I said, I'm not fighting so your victim role isnt working on me. Take it elsewhere."
BITCH
*I had to practice for a play so I was busy for a couple hours after her last text so it took a while for me to reply*
Me:
That's so very typical of you. Whatever."
Her:
"Like I said, I'm not fighting. Silly of you to bring it up so much later than the argument. Besides, you seem hostile. I'm not mad at you, just over you."
*HOSTILE? Really? At this point my heart has basically broken and I am nowhere near hostile. Sad? Dissappointed? Sick to my stomache? Definately. But, hostile? No way.*
Me:
"You are mad at me. Over something really silly. It took me that long to reply because I was busy."
Her:
"No. I'm really not mad at you. I could truly care less."
****Oh really? And is THAT why you brought it up and said all of those mean, hurtful things to me? Because you dont give two craps? I effing BET.****

I didn't respond to that one and I have only said a few words to her on facebook chat since then.
I just dont quite understand what is so wrong with me being happy...