Toddlers and Tiaras: How do you feel about it?

Honestly, it's my sick obsession when I actually catch it on. For 2 reasons: 1. I like to talk crap about the moms in my head when I see these little girls and what they do to them for them to win. 2. I don't really know what number 2 is but WHY is this show so addicting?

What seriously happened to a beautiful little girl winning these competitions without fake eye lashes, spray tan, fake teeth and fake hair? I once was a little model myself and my mom didn't do anything except curl my hair and MAYBE a little makeup. Not bragging, just saying. How can these people seriously judge a little girl based on how fake everything about her is? And how can these mothers and fathers be okay with that?! To me it just tells these little girls (and boys) that it's okay to be fake. Bullsh*t. Also, there was a little girl on here with... Fake boobs! Seriously?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! THAT I can't get over. How can you stuff your little girls dress to make her look like she has boobs. Disgusting.

I could ramble on and on about why I hate what this show represents but in all seriousness, I can't turn it off right now. Someone come take the remote from my wine infested self please and change the channel.

I know

I kind of just snapped the other day. Today I feel better but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Truth be told, this is how I have felt for the last 3 months. One day I will be fine, everything will be fine, then everything will be horrible and I will hate myself again. I am really just super sick of feeling this way. I know it is a healing process but why haven't I healed yet? Why is it so hard to get over losing a baby I never even had? I guess to answer my own question that would be because it was real. My husband and I created life. That life didn't survive in MY womb. It's hard to not blame myself when our baby died inside of ME. One thing I really hated was them calling it a spontaneous abortion. For someone being so against abortion, my body aborted the baby? I thought an abortion was something done purposely to get rid of a baby? At least the er called it a spontaneous miscarriage. I just feel like that is a disgusting thing to call a miscarriage. I did NOT have a freaking abortion.

Friday is the ships Christmas party and I am really looking forward to that. Really hoping we win some kind of awesome prize. The music and a couple drinks should take my mind off the craziness that has been my life lately. Have I recently mentioned how much I can't wait for March when Ryan goes on shore? Yeah

On another note, my back has been hurting for a week and a half and I am about at the end of my rope with that. I want it to just get better so I don't have to go to the dr.

I have been lying to myself for far too long

And now that I finally told my husband how I have been feeling since the miscarriage, maybe I should just get it all out there. I'm not okay. I'm STILL not okay. I feel ugly and I feel worthless and I feel REALLY stupid for feeling this way because I had a miscarriage. I haven't healed yet. I STILL miss our baby. I STILL cry when I see pictures of the ever growing baby bumps on the girls I was pregnant with. I STILL feel like it was my fault even though I KNOW it wasn't. This is the most complicated and terrifying thing I have ever been through. Every time I feel like I am getting better, I start my period and these feelings just intensify. As a matter of fact I had a total mental breakdown on Ryan last night. It felt good to get it out but again, I felt absolutely stupid. Not to mention Ryan knew he couldn't do anything to make it go away so all he could do is hold me and tell me that it wasn't my fault. It made me feel even worse knowing he knows he can't make me feel differently because I am an idiot and I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling and just went through it alone hoping and praying that it would get better and/or just go away. I long for peace of mind and some days I don't think I will get it until I have a healthy baby laying in my arms.

After starting my period this month, I decided I wasn't going to say we are trying anymore. If it happens, it happens. I can't deal with feeling this way month after month after month. It's KILLING me.

Warning: Extreme Adult content! 18+ only!

I have decided to post for EdenFantasys again. I hope to get something cute to wear in the bedroom so if you are about to be offended, don't read this blog. If you are interested in awesome stuff (and awesome sex toys, read on!



EdenFantasys has some seriously amazing stuff. I fell in love with them a few months ago and have a few things from them that I adore. One of which scares me so I don't use it too often (mucho grande!!!) hahaha.

So, I am very interested in a few items to spice up the bedroom.
1: this sex toy. What could possibly be more fun then having your husband be in charge of the amount of intensity you are getting? Could get annoying knowing my husband but I think I could handle it ;) So that would be the only toy I am interested in right now. We got the rest covered.

2: this babydoll. Okay so how cute and sexy is this at the same time? I would just love to surprise my husband with this when he gets out of the shower one night! It's really flirty and says "take me now!" at the same time! I want it.

3: this shirt. I hadn't even realized that EdenFantasys sold shirts. Guess I was too busy in other sections ;) Anyway, it's really cute and the cake topper is, it comes with the belt! I even love the color!

And last but not least: this lace panel gown. Not only is it sexy, but it also looks crazy comfy! I have been wanting a gown for a long time but have never gotten one. I have a feeling my husband would appreciate me owning this as much as I would lol.

The last time I blogged about EdenFantasys I had a couple people quit following me and even disliked my blog post. I do understand that some people don't want to read about this but THAT is why I warn you guys. Please keep in mind that I don't do this often and be understanding that all I'm looking to do is help the people that DO enjoy stuff like this.

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Oh lookie! A song!

Hahaha. This song makes me want to dance and laugh and be happy every time I hear it. I can't help but sing in a loud and rediculous voice while the chorus is playing. Flo Rida, you have done it for me once again. You can go link up with YOUR song as well on Goodnight Moon's page! So, go do it!